


Falling with the shooting star

by MyTenderMadness



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-15
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-01 16:12:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 41,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2779493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyTenderMadness/pseuds/MyTenderMadness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John is a famous singer and actor. Shortly before his next big movie hits the big screen, his Agent Miranda finally lost her temper with him.<br/>For quite a while, John had refused to hire a personal assistant to help him out and seeing his fame getting even bigger, Miranda forced him to. John would have resisted if he didn't bump into Kaidan, a young man he had casually met once six years ago. With hope to rekindle with him John hire Kaidan as his personal assistant but things don't turn out the exact same way as he imagined.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Who are you?

**Author's Note:**

> M!Shenko Fluff for Chrismas.  
> Set in a modern time. Actually our world, our time.

**Chapter one**

**Who are you?**

 

Kaidan ran for the bus and missed it. He clapped on the side of the big vehicle and called, but the bus driver gave him a dirty smirk in the side mirror and drove off, obviously satisfied by his little power over others.

“Asshole!” He yelled after him and took out his phone annoyed, checking on the time. _Today is not_ _my day!_ He thought and hurried down the street quickly, holding on his bag tight so he can accelerate into a small run. He felt the lack of breakfast in his stomach and regretted thinking four hours was enough sleep last night. He wanted to finish the drawing he started so badly, he didn’t even notice the time passing; and suddenly it was two in the morning and then three and then four. In the end, he was glad, he could finally leave his drawing desk with a halfway satisfied work, promising, he would finish it today.

He looked on his phone again; he supposed to be down town in ten minutes and if he didn’t want to be late at the job interview, he better run faster. Fall was coming early this year and he could feel the cooling air in his lung. He should have eaten something before he left the house, at least clench a bagel between his teeth or get a coffee on the way, but then he thought of the always flirty barista at the coffee shop and her thousand questions, he abandoned the thought; and to justify it more, he told himself, this way, he just saved himself couple bucks. Who wants to pay that much for a bit of brown brew with a spoonful sugar? No, it’s not worth it and he could better things with this money. Cut four of those coffees and he might afford the art book of that new game he saw online. _Yeah, that’s better. Invest in your work_. He told himself.

Kaidan checked his GPS position on the phone and slowed down when the blinking dot showed him close to his destination. Reading the house number carefully, he looked for the address given to him. A good friend, Liara had got him this job interview, knowing he’s always short with money; she managed to call in a favour.

“I know it’s not what you want to do, but it’s just a couple months, limited time and very well paid.” She said over a coffee last week. “The managers are old friends of mine, they would treat you fairly. Please Kaidan, take this job and you’ll have enough to finish your project on your own.”

“I’m not sure; I don’t see myself running after some VIPs all day and pretend I support what they do. You know me and the industry; I’m not that fond of it anymore.” Kaidan replied looking down on the job description, and the payment offer. “And it’s too well paid, there must be a hook.”

“Well, not a big one. It will be some overtime… paid overtime!” She added at Kaidan’s questioning look. “I mean, you crunch a lot when you take on art commissions, it’s quite similar. And maybe you’ll enjoy it after all.”

After Liara’s sweet talk and few days of considering, he eventually came to the conclusion it was money he could use. It’s too well paid for him not to take it. Like Liara said, by the time, he finished this job, he might have just enough money to finish his private project. And if he got it done and published soon, he just might be able to prove to his parents, coming to Vancouver after university and becoming an illustrator wasn’t a bad profession choice after all.

An electronic voice on his phone told him, he had arrived at his destination on the right side and he looked up astonished. He stood in front of a huge glass facade, modern but elegant. On the door, few golden letters in simple font displayed “the agency” and a porter stepped up to him smiling politely and opened the door for him. “Welcome to the agency” he said friendly and showed him the way.

Kaidan, a little surprised and confused, stepped inside and checked on the phone on his hand again, if he had accidentally entered the wrong address. No he didn’t. Kaidan had heard of “the agency” many times – mentioned by Liara, but he thought she was talking about an agency she worked with and not the infamous “the agency”. This establishment was the central managing agency for some of the top billing stars within the motion picture society and was known to represent not only actors, but also singers, models, producers and many other important and powerful people in Hollywood.

Once stepped inside, Kaidan noticed how under dressed he was and looked around at the people walking fast and stuck‐up in the hall. The glass front let in the golden sunlight of the morning and colored the big atrium with black marble floor and minimalistic decorated inside. People passing him tossed him arrogant glances and walked pass him with a judging grin on their faces like they were something better. Kaidan quickly looked down on himself ashamed.

Suddenly, his bleached out jeans and black sweater made him look like a hobo in front of the many fancy dresses and suits. Men wore custom made Armani suits and polished leather shoes, while girls hurry down the hallway on murder high‐heels and slinky dresses of various designers, names he had seen in fashion magazines or heard from red carpet reports.

The porter stepped up to him and coughed slightly to gain his attention. “Sir, are you here for the audition?”

“Ehm… What audition?” Kaidan quickly fished out the e-mail Liara send him to see if he missed something. But she only told him to get there at nine today and then he scrolled down and saw the post scriptum he had missed.

_p.s. Ask for Miranda_

“Is Miranda here?” Kaidan looked at the porter helpless.

“Ah, I see.” The porter replied politely but raised an eyebrow slightly. “You can wait over there with the other candidate. Miranda isn’t in yet.” He pointed towards a waiting area a little bit further down the atrium where several other people were waiting. Kaidan thanked him and walked straight over. It felt nicer to know, there was something going on and he was at the right place. After he had read the official briefing, he felt like the position was too good to be true. Although it came from his long and trusted friend Liara, he still couldn’t clear out all doubt, it might just be a mistake.

He looked around when he arrived at the group of people he supposed to join and took the stool in the corner. At a closer look he wondered, if the job was suited for him. All of the waiting people were without exception female, young and above-normal good looking with distinctive physical attributes. They looked like models waiting for an audition. Some of them were checking their appearances in the mirror, reapplying make-up or simply looking around in sheer impatience. Others were simply fixed on their smartphones, talking friends or moving their thumbs over the keyboard furiously, tipping messages.

A girl looked up to him when he turned around on his stool, making squeezing noises and gave him one of those asking look about why he was there with them. He felt x-rayed by her and with that questioning gaze; he doubted the nature of the job again. But he didn’t think his good friend Liara would have asked him, if she didn’t think he could land it.

Kaidan, not knowing how he should spent the time waiting, took out his phone, too and started to play Tetris. If he could take off his mind from the interview, maybe he could be more himself and convince Miranda with his personality. And who was Miranda? How could it be, the entire agency knew who Miranda was? Was she the big boss or something? He suddenly started to wonder, if he had given all this too less attention and now he’ll fail because the lack of interest or preparation. Soon, he put the game away after losing within two minutes. _Guess I’m just nervous._ He thought while looking at the other candidates.

He was preoccupied with his doubts about all this when an engaged whisper broke out among the waiting girls. Some put away their make-up and hand mirrors quickly, straightened their shirts and pushed up their breast once again, earning a bewildered look from Kaidan. But nothing less, he followed their gaze and looked at the front door, now opening for few people to enter the atrium.

A tall man in his mid‐twenties led on the procession, followed by half a dozen people in suits and dresses, evidently employees of the agency. One of them, a woman in her late twenties with an elegant pale skin color and pitch black hair caught up with the leading man, talking to him indignantly, but the young man shook his head and they stopped in the middle of the atrium and then she pointed in their direction. The young man looked over, scanning the good dozen people, now standing, looking back at him.

Kaidan peeked through two girls, now up straight and tossing flirty glances at him. The man looked younger than he first appeared. He was younger than he first appeared. He was tall although he let his shoulder hang and had put his hands insight the leather jacket he was wearing. He had short dark hair and healthy tanned skin, although he was of muscular build – Kaidan could tell from the tight areas around his chest and shoulder, he appeared slender and lithe. Maybe it was ocean blue eyes glowing from the distance at him or the way he clothed, Kaidan immediately decided, he was certainly the coolest guy in room. Kaidan knew he must be the important person in the group, but the way he stuck the end of his washed out jeans in the ankle high boots and the loosely tight scarf around his neck gave him something casual, somehow more accessible unlike the up-tight figures around him.

Then the young man shook his head again and wanted to pass the bossy woman to another part of the atrium, he was immediately stopped by the dozens of aspiring models or actors, running towards him, surrounding him in seconds, asking for autographs and pictures. Now Kaidan was sure, he was some celebrity the agency represented and judging by the hysterical screams and flirty attitude of some girls; that was a heartbreaker. He heard the two girls in front of him, mumbling, consulting, if they should go to, but their conclusion was, they shouldn’t, because it might cast a bad impression on them for the job.

“What does the job has to do with him?” Kaidan asked one of the girls before him.

She turned to him, raised her eyebrows high and looked up and down on him disapproved before answering. “Because the job is for him?” She sneered and continued taking pictures of him with her smartphone.

“And who is he?” Kaidan asked again, trying not to give too much about what she said. If he was some really big deal he would have picked it up from the news online since he spent unbalanced amount of time surfing the internet. Bet he didn’t, so it’s totally okay not to know him, he told himself.

The girls shook her head again but couldn’t stop to turn around to him with a disgusted look. “You don’t know who he is?”

“No… Should I?” Kaidan said trying hard not to sound judgmental. But she noticed the slight undertone.

“Oh well, maybe you can ask Miranda, who he is. I’m sure she’ll be happy to explain it to you.” She jeered and walked away from him.

The woman that had talked to the celebrity so insistently continued to speak to John while he politely signed autographs and smiled for pictures until she shook her head in disapproval and turned towards them, the waiting crowd. She briefly scanned the crowed after she arrived and sighed. “You can all go, the job just got canceled.” She looked at the disappointed and close to tears girls again and added annoyed. “Any of you wanted to audition for an extra, over there. Leave your CV with the assistant and the agency will come back to you.” She pointed to the crowd now slowly leaving John Shepard.

Kaidan looked around confused and then back to the woman again. She turned around immediately and rushed back to her client. Kaidan saw some of the girls break out into tears, some of them grabbed their stuff angrily and joined the auditioning crowd, but still tossing hoping glances towards the young star. Kaidan grabbed his bag quickly and hurried after the woman.

He caught up with her in few steps and tipped her softly on the shoulder. She was much shorter than he was with his 185cm and she looked up to him annoyed. “Excuse me, I’m Kaidan Alenko, a friend of mine told me to come here for the job. And… I’m supposed to talk to Miranda. You don’t know if I can still introduce myself to her?”

She raised an eyebrow and a small grin appeared on her face. “I said, the job is cut, haven’t you heard?”

“Well, I thought, maybe Miranda has another job for me. I’m really looking forward to know her.” Kaidan added, walking next to her.

She broke into a small laughter and stopped few steps away from John Shepard. “First, you don’t talk to me. I talk to you. And if I have a job to give away, I would have said so. Now go away.”

Kaidan was perplexed by her. He always pictured the Miranda Liara talked about as an old stone-faced woman, and an up-tight young lady. But beside of the age, she some was exactly how he pictured an agent of the most powerful resource company. “I’m sorry to disturb you, but Liara said…”

At the mention of Liara, Miranda stopped and looked up. Like any other person he had encountered in the agency, she also checked him from the head to the bottom and then back to his eyes again. “So, you’re the capable young assistant she talked about.” She gave him a little grin and sighed. “Well, tell Liara I’m sorry. But if John doesn’t want a personal assistant, I can’t force him to have one, although I would like to!” She said the last part of her sentence louder, so loud she was sure it was audible to all.

The echo of her loud voice barely died in the hall, the young man looked up from his phone he had been handling with after his bodyguards asked the girls to leave and tossed Miranda an annoyed glance. “You’re damn right. You can’t force me.” He replied in equally loud voice and then his eyes felt on Kaidan. He stared at Kaidan for few seconds before turning around and strolled over to them, casually putting an arm resting on Miranda’s shoulder and eyes fixed on Kaidan.

“Who are you?” He said with a clear voice. Not too high nor too deep, somehow it sounded exactly like how Kaidan had imagined it and he looked back at John, into his bright blue eyes and suddenly he forgotten his own name.

The man in front of him had such a strange effect on him, like his eyes were a window to the deepest part of the universe and the gold sprinkles in his eyes looked like tiny golden stars, painted on a blue canvas with the black of the galaxy sky shining though. He wasn’t particularly handsome, his facial features were somehow hard and his high cheek bone could cut someone if they’re not carefully and his rosy lips were full but harsh. But Kaidan thought they had something sensual, concealed behind a mask of masculinity.

Kaidan didn’t know what to say to such gallant creature with a layer of magic over him, like he was beyond this world. He definitely didn’t belong to the people around him. He had this graceful charm on him like no others. Kaidan struggled for a cool way to introduce himself, because he felt the suddenly need to impress, but his brain was empty and his tongue dry.

“I’m John.” The young man said and reached out his hand instead.

“I’m Kaidan.” Kaidan said and finally breathed out the air he was holding for a while. “Nice to meet you.” He hesitated to reach out his hand, because having a handshake with this surreal man seemed just too mundane to him. But then Kaidan didn’t want to appear rude and reached out his palm.

“Nice to meet you, too.” John replied. He smiled a little, barely just a twitch in his mouth corner. Kaidan felt the nicely warm hands of John and wondered how cold his own hand must appear in comparison and withdrawn it fast. John twitched again with his mouth when Kaidan withdrew his hand, but not breaking the eye contact. “Have we met before?” John asked suddenly wondering.

“Ehm… not that I know of.” Kaidan answered equally surprised as the people around him and shook his head.

“Well… I think we do and…” John started talking but was cut off by Miranda stepping between them.

“Okay… that’s it!” Miranda raised her arms to tell him to back off and Kaidan obeyed. He suddenly blushed hard and felt the heat rising within him, not really knowing why. He couldn’t take off his eyes from John and barely heard Miranda’s words. “You want to have a picture, an autograph?” She asked him. “Now is the time because John’s very busy,” she turned around to him. “Because he wants to do everything himself instead of hiring an assistant.”

John didn’t answer to her kick but growled at her. Then he turned back to Kaidan with a hopeful smile. “You want a picture?”

“Ehm… no, I’m fine.” Kaidan replied honestly. He felt strange taking picture with someone he just met.

“Oh… okay” John said, but Kaidan couldn’t miss the disappointed undertone. Before he could change his mind and ask for a picture after all, John already spoke again. “Oh well, it’s nice to meet you, Kaidan.” He said once more and then Miranda nodded to the other people standing around him and started leading him towards the elevator.

Kaidan barely whispered a “nice to meet you, too” before the crown went out of his sight.

John turned around for Kaidan once more when he stopped at the elevator, but he could only catch one more sight of his black sweater disappearing through the glass door. He turned around to look at the golden elevator door and saw his own sad face looking back at him. He touched his face and felt he heat. He blushed, he wondered. _When was the last time, someone made you blush so hard?_ He asked himself. Then he thought of that honest smile that had slipped on Kaidan’s face, and those big brown eyes looking directly into his. He felt his inside tremble and something jumping up and down in his stomach. This feeling, he had known him before and still know him, couldn’t be a product of his imagination and nature of their encounter appeared like a Deja-vu to him.

“Oh shit!” John said shaking his head and bit his lips.

“What?” Miranda looked up from her phone.

“This can’t be a coincident” John repeated it slowly smiling. “This can’t be true. Miranda, I have to go back!”

“What?”

But John didn’t answer her anymore. He turned around on the spot and headed away from the elevator. “Wait, Miranda! I’ll be right back!” John said loudly while already hopping in the direction of the door.

“John, what’s wrong?” Miranda ran after him.

“I know him! I knew I’ve met him before!” John said, walking fast towards the door, looking outside to see if he could see a man with black sweater. “I have to ask him, if we can meet again.”

“Stop!” Miranda held him back. “Are you out of your mind?!”

“C’mon, Miranda!” John gently took away her hand on his arm. “He’s an old friend. I met him in Europe. Many years ago, he was an art student back then, and I was just someone tending the bar! I was afraid to ask him back then; I have to ask him now!”

“Ask him what?” Miranda kept her steps with him while John crossed the hall in big steps.

“Ask him, if we can meet again!” John said like it was something very common.

“John, again! Are you out of your mind?” She looked around. “Here are too many people, and they’re watching!” She held him back again when he wanted to leave. “You can’t just run after some guy and ask if he wants to go out…”

“I’m not going to ask that…” John was suddenly quieter, “I just want to ask if he wants to… maybe hang out.”

“Hang out?” Miranda raised an eyebrow. “Really hang out?”

“Yeah… hang out.” John said more confidently with a justifying glance.

“Of course, you just want to hang out!” She made a gesture marking the words hang out.

“Nothing more.” John said, pressing the door and stepping on the street outside of the building. He looked around for Kaidan but couldn’t see him anywhere. Many pedestrians turned around for him and some girls passing him started to glancing back and then giggling, some shaking heads and some nodding. Miranda looked around worried. The last thing she needed was John photographed by paparazzi’s in this outfit, while some fan girls flung their arms around his neck.

“He’s gone!” John cursed and swore.

Miranda sighed relieved when John let his shoulder hang and wandered back towards her. John didn’t speak all the way back to the elevator; he only glanced unenthusiastically over to Miranda once a while, like he was awaiting her reproach. He leaned on the wall next to the elevator and waited for it to come when Miranda opened her mouth as John expected.

“What was so special about that guy?” She asked.

John didn’t feel to answer. Then he sighed once loudly after preoccupied with his thoughts for a while and spoke slowly. “It was in Cologne. I was working there in a bar…”

“Cologne? What kind of bar was it?” She raised an eyebrow telling him she was thinking of some very special place for people of unusual taste.

“Not the kind of bar you’re thinking of.” He grinned. “It was summer, and a huge video game convention was going on and he was there with few friends... one of his friends knew someone I knew and…”

“Long story short, did you guys hook up?” Miranda asked worried.

John didn’t answer, only glaring grimly back to her. That told Miranda everything she needed to know. She then grinned and looked up to him smiling knowingly.

“You hooked up with him,” she said reassuring. “And he doesn’t remember you at all. You’re sure it’s him?”

John’s mouth corner twitched again and he crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I’m sure it’s him. I remember. We made fun of his first name. It’s quite rare and just you know. We didn’t hook up.”

“But you wish you did.” She added.

John once again fell back into silence and pressed the elevator button again, hoping it might come faster. The number displayed above the door showed floor five and John stared at it, like it was suddenly the most interesting thing in the world.

“You know what, John?” Miranda started again, when the number blinked four.

“What?” John growled.

“I can offer you a deal. You want to see him again I assume?” John nodded. “I want you to hire an assistant.”

John rolled with his eyes. “Okay, what exactly are you offering?”

“I get you a meeting with him if you hire someone.” She offered.

“Okay.” John nodded.

“And keep it!” Miranda quickly added. John wanted to protest, but she gave him a warning look and he stopped.

“Can you just give me his number?” John stepped closer to her to look on her phone like she had his number right there.

“John, I know what you’re trying to do. And my answer is no!” She looked around and lowered her voice. “I’m your agent and I say no! You’re a rising star in the film business, and when your next film starts in few weeks, you’ll be the shooting star in Hollywood. You’ll have millions of fans, countless women loving you and every paparazzo in town hunting you! You can’t continue your old habits in public. You can’t do this! You don’t know if he’s trustworthy!”

“I’m not planning to do anything, Miranda. I’ve learned my lesson.” John said a little softer. “He seemed nice back then… I’ll be in town for month to shoot, what’s wrong to have some friends.”

She didn’t like what John said, and she looked around worried, if anyone else picked up what he said. Then she sighed relieved when the elevator came and they stepped inside. One look of her told the rest of the delegation to wait for the next one and they stepped back obedient to leave this one just to the two of them. When the door closed, Miranda began again.

“You don’t need friends, you need an assistant.” She turned around to him, starring seriously to him. “I’m your agent, not your babysitter. I can’t keep doing assistant work for you.” John wanted to protest but she raised a hand to command him silence and he shout his mouth again. “I know, you were devastated when Ashley ran off with that director, but it’s not like every assistant out there is like her.” She scrolled down the list of candidates she had magically called up on her tablet and briefed looked through it. “All of these seemed to fit.”

“Those I saw downstairs didn’t. I don’t want a blond chick making schedules for me and giving me fashion tips and making spa appointment. I’m not a pop starlet.” John said annoyed and leaned on the wall. “I want someone I can actually talk to.”

“John, that’s not what you need right now. You need someone to help you with your daily life. When was the last time you had time for your fan mails? When did you pay your bills on your own? I can’t do this for you anymore, and my assistant can’t do it for you either! You need your own!”

“I got it.” John didn’t sound convinced, but he must admit, Miranda had a point. “I just want someone I can be with… you know, be myself…”

“You can be you when I’m around.” Miranda said and put her tablet away. “John, just understand. Maybe one day you can come out, but now is not the time. There are so many rumors about you out there; it’s very bad for business. Just play along for two more years, establish yourself and then you can do whatever you want; including having a boyfriend.”

“Yeah… I know….” John muttered. “But you know, I really shouldn’t care about how people think of me. If they don’t offer me roles anymore because I share my bed with a man, then so what. I don’t care.”

“But your agency does. And before we reached the desired status, you have to play along. It’s not all about you. You know how many people in the agency are depending on your performance?” She made a pause to stare at him. “You know how many heads will roll when you just suddenly come out?”

“Yeah, got it.” John looked annoyed, taking out his phone and saw that he had no personal message, but the account for his official contact had more than thousand mails already. Miranda saw his glance and sighed.

“Okay, John. Assistant. Back to the topic. You need one. I want you to have one. Do me the favor and just pick one. Two months. When you keep her for two months, I’ll arrange you a meeting with that dude.”

“Fine.” John finally agreed. “I’ll hire one.”

“Great.” She smiled and started to take notes on her phone and then called up the CVs of the candidates again. “I’ll call this Jennifer for you; she’s 29, too old to be really considered an actress, so you’re safe with her this time. She had five years’ experience and a degree in management… she’ll do fine and…” Miranda said, while John scrolled through the different CVs. When he stopped at Kaidan’s CV, Miranda quickly took the tablet back, hoping he didn’t see it.

“He applied for the position?” John looked up. “I want him, just take him.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Miranda shook her head and gave him a warning look. “He’s too much your type.”

“So what?” John grinned. “What’s the problem? He applied, I know him, and I have a good feeling with him. Win‐win for both of us.” The elevator finally arrived at the desired level and with a small “ding” the door opened. John approved his own idea once more with a broader smile. “Call him. He’s hired.”

Miranda only looked back at him pissed and shook her head slowly. “I don’t think so.”

John laughed out loud once. “You almost got me. I almost let you play me again.” John stood chuckling in the elevator doorway, head shaking and applauding Miranda for her actions.

“John, I object. I’ll call Jennifer for you.” Miranda nodded and almost wanted to take her phone out to call when John took her phone out of her hand.

“Him or no one.” John grinned and stepped away from the door way. “I’ll be in good hands.”

Miranda rolled her eyes when John tossed her back for phone and followed her back to their office where they had to go through few documents and contracts. Miranda walked ahead and smiled relieved when John couldn’t see her face. _What’s so bad about it, anyway?_ Kaidan might be too good looking to place it in John’s presence, but then she thought of the contract he’ll have to sign and smiled cunning. Well, if John knew about the conditions in the contract, he’ll wish he didn’t hire Kaidan and just waited for two months.

 


	2. Call this your home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan finally got the job, and already on his first night, he felt like he had already crossed a line.

**Chapter two**

**Call this your home**

 

Kaidan was surprised to get the call from Miranda just few minutes after he got home. He thought he’ll have to do some unwelcome freelance jobs for flyers and church meetings to get by, but within hours, the contract was in his inbox and another hour later, it was read, signed and send back.

_Great!_ Kaidan thought. In the end it was his day. He landed a very well paid job, what was six monthsof personal assistant to a rising star? What kind of extravagant demands could he have to make him want to leave this ridiculously well paid job? What was 24/7 stand by? Film stars had to sleep, too and when he’s busy with shooting he could take the time and practice some doodles. Making notes for his graphic novel and maybe, spending time on a film set will be fun after all.

Although he maybe have to quit his drawing for six months, it felt like he was embark on a strange adventures, not knowing what comes next and what treasure he’ll find in the end. Kaidan sat down in front of the computer and starred at his last drawing once more, before closing the program. _I’ll return to you, I promise._ He was stuck with his story any way and maybe it was a good idea to take some space and time from it.

He stared at the windows desktop, not knowing what to do. He looked at the clock, it was before noon and what will he normally do at this time? Maybe still at sleep. He usually worked at night and slept over the day and starting to get productive when the nightfall came closer. Kaidan opened his browser and continued starring at the empty Google bar for a while before biting on his tongue and typed in: John Shepard

He first got the overview of John Shepard from the Wikipedia article before digging deeper through various websites and reports. And by the time, he finished with the read; he wondered how he could have missed him at all. John had been making music for years now, before finally taking on minor film rolls two years ago. After a very productive year with two new albums and a box office success he was the hottest thing now in Hollywood. Fans loved him for his minor and mostly charming roles in romantic comedies while critics praised him for his intense performance in independent movies. Rumors said, he had lost lots of money in indie movies, where he helped to finance it. It might have been a financial disaster, but it helped him with some connections, finally resulting in his upcoming film, where he took on the most challenging role of his career and received applause from critics all over the world.

Kaidan liked him. Although reports on his eccentric lifestyle and various rumors about his private life made Kaidan question few things, John Shepard generally seemed to be a nice person. He goggled few videos of him, the trailers of his movies, some interviews and then stopped at the picture search results. If he thought, he was charming and fascinating today morning; he certainly underestimated the power of professional photographs and Photoshop. He especially stopped at a series of pictures, taking for some important magazine.

John was staged in a wild dessert, blazing hot sun cast down mercilessly on him, while he was looking heroic and hardened like a young Clint Eastwood into the distant. His naked body was oily or sweaty and nothing but his deep blue eyes gave a little contrast to the bleak scenery. The next picture, John held a hunting rifle in his hands, aimed at the camera and his mimic concentrated and his glance focus on the pray.

Kaidan breathed out after a few other pictures of him. Either the re-toucher knew anatomy very well or he was highly in form. Kaidan asked himself, if he should look for some movie of his, inform before he takes on this job. Maybe these Hollywood actors might be offended, if their assistant didn’t know their work by heart. But his search online for his movie ended up in videos of his music. He was once again, caught in the effect of youtube.

From the speakers next to his computer, a hard but melancholic male voice started to sing to a plain acoustic guitar sound. His voice was full of longing, grieving and sad. After few tones, he stopped listen to the lyrics. It felt like he didn’t need to understand those words in order to understand the message. He felt the some longing for companions, the same grief about lost loves, and the same sadness in the loneness. Without realizing, Kaidan had listened to the entire album. It wasn’t exactly the music, he would have listened to while working or for relaxing, but he couldn’t deny the richness of soul and feeling in his songs.

By the time he finished because he couldn’t ignore the hunger anymore, he felt like he had known him for years. He wondered how fast time passed while he was listening to John’s music and watching videos of him. And when he finally quit stalking John Shepard, he felt good about taking this job. John Shepard was a decent man and they might get along just well enough to let six months appear like nothing.

He was preparing whatever he’ll need for his job, when his phone rang. It was from Miranda and he picked it up curiously.

“Hey, Miranda...” He started, sitting down, automatically moving few paper and pens in front of him, in case he needed to take some notes.

“Okay, I know you’re supposed to start tomorrow, but John is not at home right now and it’s the perfect timing to give you some more information, come over the Millennium Plaza, penthouse and we can discuss the rest.” She said fast and hung up without waiting for Kaidan’s answer.

He looked at the clock. It was five in the afternoon and it was already dark outside. The fall came early this year. Kaidan put on a thick coat, an extra scarf around his neck and walked out of the door.

Millennium Plaza was a high apartment building in the noblest area in town. He had read online, one two room apartment in the house cost more than a family house somewhere else in the city. He walked into it, with its bright and polished marble floor, shiny counter with few porters looking strangely towards him. It screamed literally for money and he felt, if he wasn’t at least wearing a Rolex around his writs, the porters might just come around and ask him to leave. He should have changed into something representable maybe. Kaidan thought. He remembered his last personal assistant job for a Hollywood starlet few years ago. She was often offended if he wasn’t at least dressed in the same exquisite fashion to fit into her delegation, and Kaidan had to quit it after a week, when he wasn’t ready to spend his own money on cloth to fit her taste. And that wasn’t the only case about former celebrities having some high standards about their employee’s appearance.

Kaidan just wanted to check if he had some ugly stains on his rain coat when Miranda came in from the street. She was wearing the latest Chanel coat he had seen in the ads everywhere and her eyes brightened when she saw him.

“Thank god, you’re here.” She said, finishing typing on her phone. “You better start to take some notes,” she said, leading the way to the elevator. Kaidan saw the porters, coming towards him few seconds ago, backing off when Miranda evidently knew him.

As he expected she gave his cloth a questioning look and her lips curled. When she noticed Kaidan’s defiant counter glance, she rolled her eyes. “Well, at least you have the same taste in clothing like John. It’s impossible to teach that man to dress properly. When he was a rock star, it didn’t matter. It was just part of his look and people always looked at those singers with a little bit of a frown. But now here, he needed to be representable. If I’m his assistant, I would have thrown out all his cloth and bought new one for him, but John’s quite sentimental about his old shirts.” She took a break from her talking noticing Kaidan’s lack of approval. “I don’t expect you to do it, but make sure he shows up in public in proper style.”

Miranda didn’t look up anymore to him, but scrolled down a list on her phone. Kaidan asked himself, if she was able to read the list while talking and still not missing the content of the list. When the elevator door closed, she stuck in a key into the elevator and punched the button for the penthouse. Then she took out a same key from her Fendi bag and handed over to him.

“This is yours.” She said casually. “You, I and John are the only people having a key. Don’t lose it. So,” She looked up then, looking at him closely. “John’s living in the penthouse. It took me a lot of phone calls to get this place for him. Only the best for my client and John’s my biggest one. So, he’s at rehearsal right now and needs to be picked up at eight. Arrange his pick up and then make sure, he eats something when he comes back. John loves Burgers and coke, and now it’s your job to deny him that. He’s like a big baby, if you don’t hold him on a short leash, he’ll ruin his very expensive body. So, you never ever get him junk food; never buy him a burger or soda.” She held up a finger to give her words more meaning. “But don’t worry, beside his habit behaving like an adult child, John’s fairly easy to handle. Order him what’s on the menu; I’ve mailed you the list. And there is his strict nutrition plan, his eating habits and all his daily habits. Make sure, you only get him what’s on the menu. And just a tip, it makes it easy for him if you do the same. You know, adapt his diet and habits, make things easier and show him support.” She gave him an artificial smile.

The door opened and Kaidan stepped into the penthouse with Miranda. She tossed her bag smoothly on the couch and then her coat. “John hasn’t seen it yet. Six month in the city, it’s a scheduling nightmare. I’ll be back in LA tomorrow and I’ll hand over everything here to the Agency. In case you need anything, just call the office. You have…” she looked at the time. “About three hours to prepare the apartment for him. Here is the list of must haves.” She handed him a hand written list and sighed. “I know every VIP has its own strange habit, but John’s really easy to handle. Joker will come here with his luggage, and make sure; he has the best stay in town.” Miranda looked around and nodded like she just confirmed, the place is good enough for her client. Then she prepared to leave. “And by the way, Aidan…”

“Kaidan.” He corrected her to earn a questioning eyebrow raise from her.

“So, Kaidan. You better pack some stuff, too. You know, because John doesn’t like to stay alone. So if you don’t want to get up in the middle of the night, better call this your home for the next six months.” She grinned. “Enjoy the every last drop of it, it cost the production company a fortune to have this place and not everyone can stay in a penthouse for free.” Then she disappeared out of the door.

Kaidan finally breathed out when the silence returned to the apartment. It was so big, it could hardly be called apartment. The nine‐room penthouse had the biggest window wall in a housing he had ever seen, with three enormous bed room, fully decorated in majestic luxury and fluffy big beds that just invited people to sleep long inside. Three extra bathrooms across the apartment and in the entire place, Kaidan counted three fire places including one on the breathing taking beautiful terrace. He imagined living here and the thought of how much this place cost, it made him sick somehow, but not enough to let the excitement overtake him.

He could live here for the next half a year. The stunning view over the city let him just feel good. The modern and clean design was ease on Kaidan’s taste, the carpet felt soft under his feet and it took him another fifteen minutes to explore every room, jaw dropping with everything he saw. John would take the big bedroom of course; the master one and he’ll maybe be able to take the smallest one. He looked around and out of the window. He had a great view on the city, not as good as the one in the great hall with its oval surround glass front, but good enough for him.

It was Joker who called him on his phone to bring back Kaidan to reality; he was here for a job. Then he opened the door for him and quickly reviewed the list. It was long but not too strange. He didn’t request to place a specific candle in some rooms, or sort the food in the fridge after color. Most of his requests were actually quite reasonable. He wanted his personal luggage unpacked in the smallest room, which will be his room then. And Kaidan had to admit, he already started to bond with the view from the window, but now he has to give it to John. How strange for him to take the smallest bedroom.

Kaidan had to leave the house few times to get everything he needed. Luckily Joker offered to assist him with it. He packed few cloths of his into the biggest backpack he could find, few change and then some of his drawing supplies. He couldn’t go anywhere without a sketch book of few pencils. Then on the way back, they picked up every core gaming console for John and the latest games that was specifically require by John. Almost every major release in the last few months on it, many Kaidan hadn’t played yet. By the time they arrived back at the apartment, Joker was off to pick up John and Kaidan let the delivery in with the food from the best steak house in town. On the menu was rum steak with dill butter and grilled vegetables, simple but so delicious smelling, Kaidan heard his own stomach growl. After giving him exact instructions how to serve the food and when to serve it, the chef left him with far too much food for one person. It could have fed a few adults.

And barely Kaidan was ready setting up his own workplace, phone, computer and tablet delivered to him also by Joker, the elevator door opened and he heard someone with heavy boots coming in.

Kaidan froze and John stepped into the great hall with its stunning view over the city and the crackling fire in the fireplace. Then he noticed Kaidan sitting at the kitchen table, a bottle of water next to him, and half leaned towards the computer.

John also froze at the sight of Kaidan and then his eyes brightened. “I wasn’t expecting you…” He said surprised but with a smile. “I’m glad you made it. I thought you’ll start tomorrow…”

“Hi, Mr. Shepard, I’m really glad, you gave me this chance…” Kaidan got up and walked towards him. “Miranda asked me to start today, make your first day nice in town…”

But John chuckled and shook his head. “No, no, it’s John for you and please, don’t take me as your boss.”

“Oh okay…” Kaidan stopped and then slowly sat back on his stool. “Ehm… John. Miranda told me you’ll be expecting your dinner?”

“Oh right. Can you order some pizza? Double mushroom and ham? If they can, ask for artichokes and peperoni.” John started to take off his leather jacket and tossed it on the couch. The jacket missed it and fell on the soft white carpet. But John didn’t care and sat on a stool opposite of Kaidan at the kitchen counter. “And do you mind if I smoke?” John asked and Kaidan shook his head.

Then he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and light one of for himself. “Don’t tell Miranda. She thinks my body is her capital and she cares more about it than me.” Then he offered one to Kaidan but he politely refused.

“I’m sorry for you; pizza is not on the menu. I guess you have to consider yourself satisfied with rum steak and vegetables.” Kaidan served the food as instructed and put it nicely in front of John. He could feel John’s eyes on him all the time, watching him work. “Bon appetite.”

John nodded impressed at the steak before making a sad face again. “Can I have pizza tomorrow?”

“Maybe.” Kaidan said and pushed the plate towards him. “If you finish your vegetables.”

John chuckled, giving him a sincere smile and the mood suddenly relaxed.

“And you, you don’t want anything? I thought I ordered for two.” John smiled and walked around the table to look for forks and knives. “I thought Miranda would stay here; guess she’ll miss the steak.”

Kaidan gladly took the steak and sat down opposite him with the meat of his own. On John’s diet said, as less wine as possible, but thinking about enjoying this steak without a good red wine was like going to a game without hotdogs and beer. John beamed at him when he offered also a glass to him and gave him a thankful smile.

For a while they only sat there, barely looking at each other, awkwardly eating their food in silence until John finally looked up to him. Kaidan was reading few documents Miranda had send him but John reached out and took it away from him slowly.

“Sorry…” Kaidan apologized and looked up. “I’m not used to eating with others.”

“Me neither…” John answered and smiled. “So Kaidan… I want to ask you something.”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Do you remember me?” John urged out of himself.

“What you mean?” Kaidan looked up surprised. “You think we’ve met before?”

John nodded.

“Seriously?” Kaidan started to look embarrassed. “When?”

“About six years ago?” John answered. “In Cologne… at Gamescom?”

Kaidan looked at him closely, evidently not able to remember himself. But then he narrowed his eyes trying hard to remember but then slowly shook his head. “I’m sorry… I don’t.”

“Okay, well it’s a long time ago.” John nodded. “And it was just a night… and…”

Kaidan then suddenly looked at him worried. “A night? We didn’t do anything naughty didn’t we?”

John grinned and chuckled. “Nothing you should worry about. You said you were with someone and I backed off. But I remember you… Strange how things develop right?” John sipped again on the beer. “So, have you been a personal assistant before?” John asked to change the awkward topic. He thought Kaidan definitely would mentioned it if he remembered him. But guess he didn’t make the same impression on Kaidan as Kaidan on him.

“Few times for few weeks. I mostly jumped in, when someone had to dropped out for a reason.” Kaidan forced himself to look him in the eyes, but the piercing blue stars were hard to resist and if he didn’t want himself to drool soon, he had to quit looking at him. Kaidan turned his glance away and studied the pattern in the marble table. John didn’t ask another question and the silence returned.

Kaidan could hear John chew and swallow and once again he looked down on the lists. It was documents about how he should behave in John’s presence. And judging by the list, it would as well be a Hollywood diva, somehow it was hard to believe, all those requirements and insane demands are made by the handsome man in front of him.

“Is it interesting, what you’re reading?” John asked while wiping the plate with the last piece of paprika on his plate.

“Fascinating. Miranda sent me those behavior guidelines in your presence, what I should say and what I shouldn’t. What I should do and will be asked to do. You know, getting to know your new employer.”

John got up and walked around the table curiously. “Let me see, I’ve never seen those.” He stopped close to Kaidan and turned his screen a little more towards him.

He giggle and chuckled while reading those things Miranda had written down and once, he couldn’t hold himself when he read the warning, not to start any discussion on Star Wars, Video Games such as Mass Effect, Dragon Age or any Blizzard games. Never discuss about the Lord of the rings in his presence.

“This is bullshit!” He said a little angrily. “I would never forbid anyone to say what they want.”

Kaidan turned the computer back to him and closed it. “Well you know it’s not like an absolute rule, more a guideline and suggestion from one assistant to another, making things easier.”

“So, you guys just do whatever it takes for the job?” John asked, cleaning the table. “I don’t understand personal assistants. I know it’s well paid and most of us are too incapable to live on without your help. But you’re taking on a 24/7 job. You have no free time, no time for yourself and your entire job and life is circled around another person.”

Kaidan hesitated a little before he answered. He had never met a so called celebrity before to be so aware. And somehow, he starts to drop his fake attitude of being professional and felt the urge to defend their jobs. “Well, it’s not that simple,” he started. “Many of them do for the connection, the glamour, the excitement. I mean take this apartment; without this job, I would never ever be able to stay at such a place. And when you start shooting, I’ll have the chance to meet directors, producers and every major name in the industry.”

“But is this worth to give up your life?” He emptied his glass of wine and put it in the dishwasher, after he found it opening almost every storage door in the kitchen. “Why are you doing this?”

“Just for the money.” Kaidan replied fast and honest. And then he realized maybe it wasn’t quite the best answer. And somehow he felt, John didn’t care and he shouldn’t worry. “I need the money and being a PA for six months is fair enough. It’s not too long.”

“So you’re going to leave me definitely in six months?” John took now also Kaidan’s plate and glass. “There is no way to convince you to stay longer?”

“Wow, I just started. Maybe I’ll turn out to be horrible.” Kaidan wondered and John shook his head.

“I doubt it. I have a good feeling with you.” He leaned on the counter and beamed down at Kaidan on the stool. “I wish out time would be unlimited.”

Kaidan chuckled and got up helping him clean up. “That depends. I have another kind of occupation I want to go back to after this.”

“What kind of occupation?” John looked at him curiously and softly grinning.

“I’m a graphic novelist.” Kaidan said smiling, looking down, but not without a trace of pride in his voice. “I’m kind of stuck in a writer or painter’s block, so I decided to do something else for a while and then return to finish it.”

“So you’re still doing art?” John looked at him highly interested.

“Still doing art?”

“When we met in Germany, you told me you went to art school… and you were doing digital art, still doing that?”

“Kind of.” Kaidan grinned. “It’s so strange. I don’t remember you at all but you know all this about me.”

“I guess I wasn’t impressive enough, you were there with a bunch of other unique figures, though. Art students.” John leaned against the kitchen table, now playing with the napkin.

Kaidan stopped whatever he was doing and looked at John closely. “How can I not remember you?”

“I don’t know…” John answered. “It was very dark in that bar…”

Kaidan nodded and didn’t answer. They then remained silence and just looked at each other, one studying the other until Kaidan broke the connection and turned around - feeling hot.

“So, John. You want to go through your schedule tomorrow?” Kaidan opened his laptop, trying to ignore the jumpy feeling inside him. He was kind of confused, he could tell John was flirting with him, but that just irritated him so much more. Beside the fact, the John on paper and the John in real life was so different to each other, he was here for a job rather than flirt with his boss. And what was all that talk about himself? They just met few hours ago, they barely know each other and he was telling him about his graphic novel. He didn’t even talk with his friends about his graphic novel, let alone strangers. Kaidan suddenly felt, he had sad too much and concentrated on the schedule listed tomorrow, but soon felt someone close behind him. And then John’s lips came too close to his ear and he whispered.

“Can you show me my room?” He said grinning and Kaidan shivered. John’s breath smelled like the delicious steak they just had and before he could turn around, John had put another bottle of red wine on the table and two glasses.

He turned around slowly, pushing John away from him, trying not to touch him with more than a fingertip and looked up to the beautiful man seriously. “Mr. Shepard,” he made a pause when John frowned. “John, if you don’t mind. I’m here to work and I take it seriously… I know we met six years ago, but if you don’t mind, I still would like to keep this relationship professional. So do you like to return to your schedule tomorrow?”

John’s face hardened and then he backed off. He flushed and breathed out fast. “I’m sorry… you’re right, it’s very unprofessional of me… and of course… continue.”

John sat down opposite him again, pouring himself a big glass of red wine, and then a glass for Kaidan. He slowly pushed it over the table and when Kaidan looked up from reading the schedule and took the wine with small thanks, John relaxed a little more and listened.

What Kaidan was saying didn’t stick with him, but his rough and husky voice did. How could that be? He was so perfect. John loved black hair, and especially those, which shine red or brown in the light. And big brown eyes always made him melt. He looked at Kaidan and he wished, he’ll never look up or never stop. John’s eyes traced the movement of Kaidan’s lips reading out his schedule. How those pink tender lips close and open again - occasionally sipped on the wine and his tongue softly lick over it - awaked the primal desire in him.

Suddenly John stood up and pushed himself away from the counter. “I have to take a shower.” He demanded and Kaidan quickly got up with him.

“Well in the master bedroom is an attached bathroom, it’s by far the biggest with shower and bathtub…” He turned around and wanted to show him another, but John had disappeared. Kaidan turned around to look for him, when he heard the bathroom door slam, he knew he was gone.

_Okay, that was strange._ Kaidan thought and returned to his place at the kitchen counter andcontinued reading useful documents Miranda send him. After that, there was still John’s bursting inbox he had to go through and take on. But tasks like answering official request for public appearances, going to premiere or schedule interview felt easy on him. It might be because if his natural diplomatic tone when talking about business or because compared to creative work, it was merely a repetitive grinding quest.

About half an hour later, John reappeared in the den, walking over to the kitchen, only a black towel around his hips and he sat down at the counter, still wet and steamy from the hot shower. He looked more relaxed and less tired now.

“Should I continue?” Kaidan asked, once again opening the schedule.

But John shook his head. He reached out for the wine and drank in big gulps and then let his head rest on the marble table. His hot skin cause the surrounding marble to fog and Kaidan went back to his own work, not paying attention to John.

“Tell me about yourself, Kaidan.” John asked, looking up to him lasciviously. “I want to know more about you.”

“I’m stuck with you for six months; there will be plenty of time, knowing each other.” Kaidan replied, not looking up from the e‐mail he’s typing. But John could see the tiny escape of a smile.

“Who are you writing to?” John asked.

“Vanity Fair. They want to make a cover story with you.” He said, taking a sip of the wine. “You know, about “the forgiving heart”. But I want to know what exactly they want to talk about and if it’s better to make it before the award seasons instead of now”

“Have you seen it?” John asked. Kaidan gave him a questioning look and John added. “The forgiving heart.”

“I’ve seen the trailer, guess I’ve to wait until it’s out, like everybody else. I heard it’s great.”

John nodded and then remained silence.

Kaidan wanted to say something or ask how it was, but he decided not to. Mentioning the forgiving heart called up something sad in him, and it was bleeding through his eyes, it made him dwell in old memories, Kaidan could tell. He asked himself if he should address it, but then abandoned the thought. It was too early to ask such personal questions. Whatever he asked, it would be personal, Kaidan could also tell about that. “So, since you’re here. Are you interested in an interview with Vanity Fair? Cover story, about the film, talking about your experiences.”

John nodded. “Ask Miranda.” He then looked up smiling. “I’m her slave. And I think I’m yours, too now. Whatever the two of you decide.”

Kaidan gave him a bitter smile and looked at the clock. It wasn’t particularly late, but he could feel the long day and the lack of sleep last night. And Also John was also dozing off on the table. He didn’t know when John got up, but judging by the deep and heavy breath, he could use some sleep, too. There is nothing planned for tonight, and whatever was still on, he could manage without John. He walked across the table, softly waking up John.

“Hey, go to bed.” Kaidan said gently and shook him.

John immediately opened his eyes and sat up straight. “Oh shit, I fell asleep.”

“It’s okay… go to bed. I’ve put your stuff in the smallest bedroom, as you requested.” Kaidan pointed to the bedroom at the end of the corridor. But John didn’t go that way.

“I hope you don’t mind some music.” He said and walked straight across the great hall towards the piano, occupying a great part of the room. “I need to practice; my piano skills are a little rusty.”

“Is it for the movie?” Kaidan asked and made a node to request the script, so he can be sure about whatever John needed.

John nodded, fishing out a music sheet from the pocket of his jacket and sat down in front of the piano. Then he figured something on his phone, put it down and turned around to Kaidan. Kaidan understood his glance as a request to leave him alone and he gladly returned to his work. He decided to review the schedule again for the entire next week and was quite happy when he saw the big chunks of open space when John will be at rehearsals and trainings. He could get some work down by then. There are still thousands of mails to answer. But not tonight; it’s time for him to go to bed.

Kaidan decided to take the second room down the floor, leaving the master bed room empty. Just as he wanted to pack up and call it off for the night, he heard it; an angelic melody waking up something longing in his heart and calling out for him. A melody so beautiful it made his eyes wet. A melody so familiar and yet he was sure he had never heard before. Something within the constellation of notes, he heard something whispering to him, gently caress him and love him. And to the melody slowly the deep and clear longing voice started to sum the song and Kaidan couldn’t go. He leaned at the counter, looking over to John, sitting half naked at the piano, slowly pressing the keys in somehow random order but making the magic happen.

Kaidan felt the attraction towards that man grow. He was surprised he was so drawn to him. He enjoyed his presence, it was exciting although they weren’t doing anything and looking into the eyes of the young man made him loose his words.

 


	3. Well that's fucked up!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John talks about himself and maybe if he keeps talking, Kaidan would start talking about himself, too.

**Chapter three**

**Well that’s fucked up.**

 

Kaidan was confused the next morning, when it was still dark outside and someone was already making noises in the apartment. He got up, first thought was someone broke into the apartment, but when he saw John in the kitchen, mining the smoothie maker, he yawned and wanted to go back to his warm bed, when John noticed him.

“You want one?” He asked, filling the smoothie in a big glass and emptied with one big gulp.

“No thanks.” He rubbed the sleep out of his eye. Well he was awake and up anyway, maybe he should start his day by now. He felt excited about his job. It had been very long since he last answered to someone or was forced to get up early. Actually the thought of working for John, doing nothing creative for a while made him eager. “Is there anything I can do for you, John? Any party you want planned? Fan‐mails sorted?”

“Get yourself ready, we’re going running.” John filled up a bottle with tab water, drank from it and refilled it again.

“Running?” Kaidan raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, running. In your CV you said, you like to run. Show me where I can go running in the city.” John started making a second smoothie and showed Kaidan he should go get dressed quickly.

Kaidan looked down on himself, standing in his boxers and shirt, still not quite awake and asked why he wrote it into his CV. Maybe it was because he wanted to appear fit. Show the agency he could take on physical challenging tasks. But to be honest with himself, he hadn’t been running for quite a long time, at least few months. “I didn’t pack anything.” He answered, trying to avoid running. He’s not in shape, not at all. The six‐pack he used to have said goodbye long ago and thinking of keeping up with John, the terminator himself was frightening.

John grinned; giving him a knowing glance grabbed something from the bag on the couch and tossed it to him, before going back to the smoothie. “Take mine, it’s freshly washed, should fit you.” He said and hinted Kaidan to be fast.

Kaidan hesitated. When Miranda wrote him, he should accompany John anytime he asked for, he didn’t think of working out with him. “I haven’t done anything in years.” Kaidan said, putting on the jogging pants right away. Then he walked into his room and grabbed his jogging shoes.

“So you are prepared.” John said, slowly warming himself up.

“No, in case I’ve to stand all day, I rather wear these.” He held up his shoes. “Seriously John, I don’t think it’s a good idea. I’m really out of shape.”

“You don’t look like that.” He smirked and pushed the smoothie across the table. “I remember you six years ago, back then you look exactly the same and you were very fit.”

“I’m getting old…” He tied his shoes, downed the smoothie quickly and walked towards the door.

Yes, somehow it was something he wanted. Getting out of his comfort zone and somehow it felt strange. He was supposed to take care of John and not the other way around. But what’s against some miles of running. He used to run a lot, back in Europe where he was engaged in many sport activities with friends and colleagues, he enjoyed running a lot. Being the fastest of his friends, he hoped, he could at least keep up with John without embarrassing himself.

John followed him down to the street and warmed up again. Kaidan wondered how confident John was with his skin tight running pants. Well, why shouldn’t he be? He cut a more than fine figure in those. Kaidan caught himself checking out John’s bulge few times and breathed out relieved inside when John missed it.

“So, which way?” John asked, looking at his phone. “Google maps says this way.” He pointed down the main road, somehow skeptical about it.

“Na, come with me. Five miles in this way, there is a park with a small forest. It’s quite okay for running.” Kaidan said, jumping up and down.

“So you do go running.” John grinned and they started running down the street.

“I used to. That was before I started with the novel… and well… I’m just too lazy now.” Kaidan answered and accelerated.

He ran ahead of John, slowly starting into faster run and led their way into a small park few blocks later and then through the park, where they ran into a hilly area where the trees got thicker. It was early in the morning, only few other joggers were in the park and they overtook them quickly. Kaidan was surprised of himself how fast he could still run. He knew, his muscle will hate him tomorrow for putting up such pace without warning, but today, he didn’t want to embarrass himself. John kept up with his pace without problem; he didn’t even seem to be affected by it. About half an hour later, Kaidan ran up the highest hill in the small forest and stopped at a park bench.

“I used to come here.” Kaidan said, making a pause and drank some water. “You can see almost the entire city from here.”

“It’s very nice here, and quiet.” John answered. “You’re quite good in running. Now I wonder about the rest of you.”

“What you mean?” Kaidan kept on going, running down the hill, but now slower so he could have the conversation with John.

“I doubt you’re out of shape.” He grinned.

“Okay…” Kaidan answered hesitantly and ran ahead. He sensed how this conversation was going to end and decided not to play along. What could he possibly answer? Saying he was out of shape, which was a half lie or saying he wasn’t. What if John wanted prove and seeing him being out of shape, John might take it as an invitation to force him go to the gym with him. No, that’s not what he needed. He liked maybe going running every few days, and doing a work out on Saturday; his excessive gym phase was over, now he was okay with having a little body fat and not constantly eager to look good.

Another 3 other miles later, they were back in the apartment, showered and ready to start the day. The plan was simple for Kaidan. Drop John off at the gym at nine, waiting for him to finish his fighting rehearsal before driving him back home. In the meantime, he had thousands of mails to answer, scheduling his daily life, his TV appearance and make sure, he shows up on time and was properly dressed.

The press had caught up John was in town for a while and every magazine and TV host was knocking on his door. Having his next movie hitting the cinema in few weeks, John’s days were long and full with appointments. Kaidan followed him everywhere and took care of whatever need he had. Kaidan must admit John was really easy to handle. Maybe it was because he was on his own for a while. He was perfectly able to manage his own life; sometimes so much Kaidan asked himself why he needed him. Well, it was true, that some task could use assistance or maybe Miranda was just tired of answering fan-mails. 

Saturday night was their only night free. Everyone was out partying and John had no intension to join any. John’s inbox was full with invitations and Miranda had personally called Kaidan, asking him to convince John to take on some public appearances or at least to do some promotion but John just tossed himself on the couch, turned on the PlayStation and refused to get up.

Kaidan was actually glad about it. The week was so busy he had no more power to go out partying. He sat next to John, reading e‐mails for John, filtering out spam, advertisement or other requests. Kaidan had allowed John to cheat tonight and gave him few beers, with the promise; he won’t touch alcohol the entire next week, even when he’s going to meet his publicist and a director for dinner. John gladly took it. Few beers became many beers and then he turned to harder stuff. And now, only few hours later, John was enjoying his drunk fighting on the PlayStation while Kaidan reviewed John’s personal mail box when he came across numerous porn site sending him newsletters with strange videos based on his previous browse.

“John? Can I ask you something?” Kaidan blinked few times, thinking how he should phrase it.

“Sure.”

“Could it be that you’re gay?” Kaidan just spat it out and John turned around to him with an eyebrow raised. Kaidan swallowed and quickly added. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer it, if it’s too personal. But if you do, know I’ve signed a non‐disclosure‐agreement. I can’t say anything.”

“Relax!” John suddenly chuckled, putting the controller away. “Did Miranda tell you?”

“No… she didn’t tell me anything. I’m looking at your porn newsletters, and it’s pretty obvious.”

“Okay, then. Yes I like men.” John laid his head on the back of the couch, looking over to Kaidan beaming and chuckled again. “You really didn’t know?”

Kaidan shook his head.

“Seriously?” John’s chuckle turned into laughter. “Miranda didn’t warn you about this? About me being a fag?”

“Don’t call yourself that!” Kaidan protested. “You’re not a fag.”

“Okay, okay!” John raised his hands to back off. “Does it surprise you?”

“No… we are in the 21st century. It’s okay to be gay.” Kaidan added fast.

“Does it frighten you?” John said teasingly.

“No!” Kaidan answered a little too fast. To be honest with himself, this information didn’t surprise him nor did it frighten him. It excited him. Knowing all the glances John had tossed over to him meant maybe more than just a simple liking. He suddenly thought about John’s closure to him on the first night in the penthouse. Was that real? He had always thought, it was John’s way to break the ice, troll him or simply have the satisfaction to make him feel uncomfortable, but now. Knowing it might mean something made his heart beat faster. He swallowed again and resisted John’s glare.

John chuckled and smiled. “How about you, Kaidan? Do you like men?”

“No!” Kaidan said it, again too fast.

“Liar!” John called out.

“C’mon. I’m not gay!” Kaidan defended himself.

“Again, liar!” John moved closer to him. “I saw how you checked out my bulge when we go running… and yesterday, you licked your lips when I took off my shirt.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m gay! Your pants are so tight, it’s impossible not to look at it! And yeah, I licked my lips because they were dry!” Kaidan put his laptop aside and got up from the couch. “I don’t have to justify my sexual orientation to you.”

John chuckled again and again, now rolling on the couch laughing. “You like men, and you like me. You just don’t know it yet.”

“Are you always like this when you’re drunk?” Kaidan went to the kitchen, pretending they went out of beer. “No, I don’t like men and I don’t like you.”

But John didn’t give in. He sat up and yelled after Kaidan. “You can fool yourself, but not me. I’ve met boys like you before, confused and still in denial.”

“I’m not denying it!” Kaidan said loud and clear. Then he narrowed his eyes and started smiling. “Are you fucking with me?”

“Oh I wish I’m fucking with you.” John said grinning wide, laughing at Kaidan not realizing he was messing with him.

“Haha, that’s funny. You’re joking with me and you enjoy it.” Kaidan took out a beer from the fridge.

John got up from the couch, quickly crossed the den and stood too close to Kaidan. “Yes, I like to make fun of it.” He took the beer out of Kaidan’s hand. “But I’m not lying. I know you’re lying.”

“C’mon. Are we that far yet, exchanging sexual history?” Kaidan joked and wanted to escape the tension in the kitchen, but John held his wrist and stopped him.

“Admit it, you like me. You desire me…” he pushed Kaidan to the wall and put a hand next to him on the wall. “You want to kiss me… and you want to do naughty things with me…”

Kaidan swallowed once more. John was so close to him, he could smell him. And surprisingly, beneath the strong stench of alcohol, John smelled good for him. It wasn’t the scent of a flower of some perfume. Not the chemical smell of aftershave, it was more like skin, people and man. He had read somewhere; people who are attracted to each other can often smell the other. He wondered if it was it.

John was still dirty whispering to him, closer and closer to him, but not touching him. John’s cheesy words about desire and love, ambiguous like all seduction talks sounded slowly and nicely in his ear, but it didn’t have the effect it supposed to have. Kaidan couldn’t suppress his laughter anymore and burst out.

“What’s so funny?” John backed off surprised.

Kaidan tried not to laugh; eventually after a big breath out, he managed to uphold his straight face. “It’s so cheesy what you’re saying!” He then broke out into laughter again and John let him go headshaking.

“You ruined it. I was trying to be romantic, and you ruined it.” John pouted.

“Sorry, there was nothing for me to ruin. It was so bad!” Kaidan was lying on the floor, rolling around and laughing. And his husky and honest laughter was so contagious, John started laughing himself.

“Have you seen the fifth element?” Kaidan asked rolling on the floor. “You know Chris Tucker when he seduced the stewardess? I have to imagine you in that outfit and that… hair do!” Kaidan made a gesture pointing out the roll and broke into laughter again.

Okay that was really funny; John couldn’t hold his straight face and also laughed with him. He held on the table, trying not to piss himself.

Kaidan thought it was really strange situation. One moment, it was hot in the kitchen, John standing close to him and whispering kind of sweet words and in the next; they were rolling in the kitchen, laughing about the roll on Chris Tucker’s head.

“Was it really so bad?” John asked and smiled wide.

Kaidan nodded. “I don’t think you can seduce anyone with it…”

“Can you give me another try?” John helped Kaidan up and pushed him against the wall again. “Let me try again.”

“Na, it’s my turn.” Kaidan joked and freed himself from John and pushed him to the wall.

“Sure.” John smiled cocky. “But no touching. I didn’t get to touch you.”

“You think it would have made any difference?” Kaidan raised an eyebrow.

John’s mouth twitched. “Of course… I have magic fingers.”

“Okay, okay, not touching. Equal grounds.” He nodded and winked at him.

“So, three, two, one, action!” John said and Kaidan burst into laughter again. John stood leaning on the wall, trying not to laugh, but the situation was just too funny. Kaidan had sank to his knees and chuckled into a cough. “Okay, sorry. I’ll be serious.” John said and helped him up.

Kaidan took few deep breaths, relaxed himself and placed his hand on the side of the wall and leaned in just as John did. “You really want me to do this?” He whispered and John nodded.

“Prove yourself!” He said, slowly stopped laughing.

“You really want me to seduce you?” Kaidan whispered again, slowly moving his lips towards John’s ear. “Without touching you?”

John nodded, listening closer to Kaidan’s husky voice and feeling his hot breath on his neck.

“You wanted me to admit I desire you…” Kaidan breathed out. “Admit I want to kiss you… touch you…”

“You’re doing it wrong.” John also whispered. “This is not going to work.”

“What if I admit, I do?” Kaidan half closed his eyes and looked at John.

John swallowed.

“What if I tell you, I liked you since the first moment I met you in the agency? What if I admit, you have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen? Most sensual lips I’ve ever desired. What if I have imagined the taste of it, every day?”

John swallowed again.

Kaidan put another arm on the wall, now completely closing him in. “What if I tell you, I couldn’t take my eyes off you…” he whispered. “You say you’ve confused me… what if I say, you didn’t? I know how I feel about you… I know what I want to do to you… with you.”

“What do you want to do with me?” John leaned back and whispered.

Kaidan smiled wide and his eyes fixed on John’s. “I want you to imagine it… Imagine what I want to do with you. Not just what I want to do with your lips… imagine what I’ve imagined of your arms, your touch, your kiss and your body…”

John breathed out, looking now into Kaidan’s brown eyes. Kaidan could feel the heat between them. He felt the excitement in him. “John…” he sensually said his name; he could feel John tremble leaning against the wall. “Can you feel it?”

“I can…”

“Do you want to kiss me? Touch me?” Kaidan asked.

“I do!” John answered fast, more a breath than actual words.

“Go ahead…” breathed out after he slowly moved his lips to John’s ear.

“Really?” John asked surprised.

“No! Of course not!” Kaidan pushed himself away from John.

John blushed red and nodded. “I thought… well you’re really good!”

“I had something to prove.” Kaidan smiled.

“Me” John looked down to his pants, where his bulge was tight. “And parts of me are convinced.”

Kaidan followed his eyes to the parts between John’s leg and he saw the bulge of him. “Well I’m flattered.”

Kaidan leaned at the kitchen counter and John next to him. Drinking the beer on the table, John studies Kaidan. “So, is anything you said real?”

Kaidan smiled teasingly and turned around to him. “Parts of it…”

“What part?”

“I leave it to your imagination…” He took the beer from John, drank it like in a commercial and swallowed it with his head raised high.

“You know this is not making things less complicated, right?” John reached out a hand to put on Kaidan’s face. “You know what I’ve said was true…”

“Oh really…” Kaidan raised an eyebrow and took away John’s hand. “And not become you want to fuck me?”

“Well, that too, but… I also kind of like you…” John said and Kaidan just laughed.

“Nice to know that you want to fuck me.” Kaidan leaned his head behind and then chuckled more. “And kind of like me. Well John, I like you, too. But not the way you want. Just keep things professional between us, okay?”

“Professional?” John raised his eyes wide open. “You just said you want to fuck me in the kitchen!”

Kaidan gave him a warning glance but quickly started to laugh again. “Okay, sorry. It was unprofessional, and I just know you for a week… it was too out of the line.”

“Stop it!” John put an arm around his shoulder. “Now, seriously. Do you want to fuck with me? Because I do. One word, I’ll suck…”

“Okay, that’s enough!” Kaidan escaped his arm, shocked, surprised but amused. “I said I’m sorry. It was a funny game and nothing more.”

“Oh…okay.” John nodded smirking. “I get it, you’re hard to get.”

“No! I’m not hard to get! I’m…” Kaidan said quickly and once he heard his own words he wanted to bite his own tongue for saying it. But John was already grinning. “You know what I mean!”

“I got it.” John said still smiling. “You don’t like me.”

“C’mon! You know it’s not true! You know things are working well between us, professionally!” Kaidan added when John started grinning wider. “Just… you know what, no more games. Plain words from now on.”

“Okay I’ll start.” John finished the beer, put it loudly on the table and straightened his face. “I like men, and I like you. I think there is chemistry between us and I would like to know you better, because I’m interested in you, romantically. And eventually I want to sleep with you, the sooner the better.”

“Thank you, John, for sharing.” Kaidan nodded acknowledged. He opened up to more beers and pushed one to John.

“Thank you, Kaidan for listening. And not laughing.” He took the beer and toasted.

“So, my turn.” Kaidan took a gulp, straightened his face. “I also like you. I think you’re cool guy and we have a lot in common. I enjoy working for you and I would like to keep my job. I’m not interested in men; actually I’m not interested in anything right now. My love life is pretty messed up and complicated. So I would like to continue our working relationship without hooking up.”

“Okay, that’s plain enough to tell me, you’re not interested.” John nodded. “I appreciate your honesty, Kaidan.” John toasted to him. “To honesty.”

“To honesty.” Kaidan punched his beer bottle with John and grinned. “Just we’re talking about honesty. Can you be honest with me? If you need anything, just tell me. I’m here to help you. Whatever you need!”

“Sure. Let’s always be total honest with each other. Never lie to each other okay? I feel I can be honest with you, without you judging me.”

“I like that!” Kaidan answered. “So John. Who’s Kai? He had sent you tons of mails, asking you to call him!”

“Ah! Kai Leng.” John nodded. “My ex! A fucking bastard that broke my heart!”

“He doesn’t happen to be the Kai Leng from the Hellhounds, right? Their drummer?”

“Yeah, that’s him!” John suddenly looked grim. He tumbled to the fridge and took out the vodka from the freezer. He drank directly from the bottle and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I know you want to know what happened.”

“You don’t have to, if it pains you.”

“I’m fine now. I couldn’t talk about it, when he broke my heart. No one knows who I am. All I had was the music and even there I had to lie.” John suddenly started to smile, but bitterly. “You know, the label asked me to change the lyrics. They didn’t feel good when I sang about a dude. They wanted to change it, make it look like some girl broke my heart and not fucking Kai Leng!” John drank again from the bottle and then offered it to Kaidan.

“So what happened?” Kaidan took the vodka and drank it.

“We were together… well I thought we were together, he thought we were just having fun. We went on tour together and then he met a girl!”

“A girl?”

“Yeah, a girl!” John spat and took more of the hard stuff. “And you know what the worse is? She’s so fucking cool! And I really like her! I tried not to, but she’s just so cool. When I met her, I didn’t know she was his girlfriend. He was sleeping with the two of us at the same time. I thought we had something real, and he just took my heart, ripped it out and spit on it!”

“Autsch!” Kaidan took out proper shot glasses and poured for them. “So, are you over him? You wrote an album about it.”

“Is it so obvious?” John smirked. “The label made sure I change all the lyrics. But you know what? Sometimes when I’m singing live, I’ll change the lyrics back. It makes them furious when they hear about it.” John giggled.

Kaidan giggled with him. “How funny. On one of your videos, I thought I heard you sing about a him instead of her.”

“Yeah, that’s when I was still mad at him.” John tumbled over to the couch. “But that’s years ago. How about you? You said, you love life is messed up and complicated.”

“Not dramatic enough to make me write a number one album for it, but quite confusing.” Kaidan joined him on the couch.

“You have a girlfriend?”

“I have a wife.” Kaidan corrected him. “She’s living in London; and engaged to another man. She thinks I don’t know it, but I found out about it almost half a year ago.”

“You’re married?” John sat up straight. “And your wife is engaged to another man? Don’t you want to do something about it?”

Kaidan shook his head. “I can’t. We married very young, five years ago, right after I dumped law school. We thought since we’re not together every day, he better get married, securing things for us. And we signed a prenup; stating, we have to stay married for at least seven years, otherwise, whoever file for divorce must pay the other 100k for every began year. I don’t have the money, so I have to stay married.” He sighed.

“Holy shit, that’s messed up.” John shook his head, giving Kaidan more of the vodka. “How does it work? How’s she engaged to another man?”

“Well, he asked and she said yes.” Kaidan explained. “Garrus knows about me and I’m sure he also knows that I know about him, he’s at Scotland Yard, you know.” Kaidan added at John’s questioning look. “We just don’t say anything to leave Jane alone. I just have to wait two years and then I can file for divorce.”

“If she wants to get married to that Garrus guy, why doesn’t she file for divorce?”

“Well, she doesn’t have half a million either.” Kaidan shrugged with his shoulder. “You see, it’s very complicated.”

“Why did you do such thing in the first place? A prenup to bind you for seven years!”

“We were young and foolish. We were in love and thought, we can stay together forever. And she went to Oxford and I went to art school. We both studied law together for two years, and the prenup was kind of a challenge. See if we can make it bulletproof. Turns out, it’s quite bulletproof.” He grinned. “Neither of us wants to spend tons of money to fight through this.”

“That’s fucked up.” John sighed and leaned back and sighed. “And I thought my relationship to Kai Leng was fucked up.”

“Life is strange.” Kaidan breathed out. “Six years ago we met. You were a bartender and I the partying art student.”

“And now, I’m the lion in the golden cage and you the free flying bird.” John added.

“Well, life as a penniless artist sounds so much nicer in your words.” Kaidan chuckled. “Sometimes I can’t believe how young you are.”

“I’m 24 and that’s old in the entertaining business.” John turned his face to Kaidan and frowned a little. “And you, how old are you?”

“Older than you.” Kaidan answered seriously and looked up straight to the ceiling.

It felt good to sit on the couch and just do nothing. The music of the paused game repeated itself in endless loop and silently they just drank their booze. Kaidan turned his head around to John and gazed into his deep eyes. He was both fascinated by its beauty and also its pattern. It was unusual to have golden sprinkles in blue eyes, but John’s were so amazingly mesmerizing, he couldn’t stop looking.

Kaidan knew it was properly not good for him, but he didn’t want to quit. He liked John, a lot. He liked John’s honest eyes and his sincere smile if he wasn’t making fun of him. He felt like everything was the way how it should be and above all, he felt John was feeling the same. He look at him and knew, he could say anything, do anything, be anything without John judging him, being scared of him or simply lose track of him. He felt, he could be himself around John.

John had closed his eyes and was breathing flatly after a while; tired from the booze and the week of work. Kaidan took the bottle carefully away from his hand and put a blanket on him. He then sat up, looking at the work he had left open and decided at least clean up John’s mailbox before going to bed, but few minutes later, he was dozing on the couch, too.


	4. If I'm trouble...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's going to be a nasty bad boy...

**Chapter four**

**If I’m trouble**

 

John sat on the very comfortable couch and fought against the sleepiness. Kaidan had already fallen asleep, the laptop on his lab and the script on the movie on his lap. John starred up at the TV, watching the discovery channel bringing on documentation on mating ritual of the Galapagos turtles. It was boring as hell and he barely understood something.

It was again one of those long nights where he was sitting on the couch, reading scripts Miranda had sent him and Kaidan on his side, staying awake with him. Whenever he needed to finish some scripts, Kaidan would stay with him and help him concentrate. But tonight was not one of those nights. Kaidan had fallen asleep short after they sat down. Having a fireplace in the house and feeling the nice warmth didn’t really help to stay up.

Another few weeks had passed. Beside the last Saturday they didn’t have the occasion to be close again. They didn’t talk about what happened. Kaidan pretended nothing happened and John didn’t dare to ask. Although they had agreed on being honest, he still couldn’t crack him. Kaidan was like an enigma with a mysterious aura surrounding him. They way how he handled things, talked to people; John truly wished to look behind the mask. And only in some careless moments he had caught few honest smiles or gasps breaking through the mask; like their first encounter in the agency and the last Saturday night. But Kaidan had been all business and all professional. He was there to take care of stuff for John whenever he needed him. He scheduled his work and private life so well; he always could squeeze out at least an hour a day for John to do something he likes. Sometimes he had time to watch a movie, or read a book, or even play some games.

For a long time, John finally had time again to play some games. Kaidan had bought him “The last of us”, saying it’s one of the best story in gaming history and within hours, he was hooked. But only an hour a day wasn’t the correct way to play it, so sometimes John waited for Kaidan to go to bed, before sneaking out again, playing it with headphones.

John tried to stay awake, but he couldn’t. He fell asleep soon and when he woke up, Kaidan wasn’t next to him anymore. His assistant was sitting at the counter and reading fan‐mails. He had made four piles. One for the junk mail, one for extremely well written hate mails; with some humor they were actually hilarious. One for nice words and one for heartwarming love letters, what he thought John should read.

“Yeah, Kaidan, I want to ask you something.” John started over breakfast. He noticed Kaidan barely looked at him. Whenever he looked over to Kaidan, between rehearsals or other appointments, Kaidan seemed always focused on his smartphone, replaying to e‐mails, or phone calls. Or he was talking to other assistances, scheduling or rescheduling stuff. Or he wasn’t there at all. He hardly caught Kaidan watching over to him and he wished so much, Kaidan would abandon his work for a while and look at him and talk to him.

His attempt to make Kaidan talk to him when he gave him extra vague tasks, so he had to come back and ask questions didn’t work out and Kaidan returned with the task fully accomplished to his satisfaction he couldn’t even complain, leaving him no real occasions to chat with him properly again. Somehow he felt, Kaidan had known everything about him and he never does something unsatisfying. Even his attempt to steal away to get an burger, Kaidan would always already standing at the burger place, making him turn around without daring to go inside.

Now over the breakfast table, Kaidan still didn’t look up from either the phone or the computer. “Hm?” He answered and deleted a bunch of mails of random people, asking if John wanted to go to their birthday party or go out with them.

“When is your birthday?” John asked, hoping Kaidan would finally look up.

“Couple weeks ago, why?” He answered a mail and sent it.

“How old are you?”

“26, why are you asking all these questions?” Kaidan still didn’t look up, but accepted a meeting request with someone.

“Can you please stop working for once?” John said it a little louder this time.

And Kaidan finally looked up. His big brown eyes took away the breath in John’s lungs and he suddenly lacked the words. He just looked back at Kaidan and feeling the warmth inside him. His stomach felt like in a free fall, his heart jumped into his throat and pounded hard he was sure, Kaidan could hear it.

“John? Are you alright?” Kaidan asked worried.

John nodded numbly and Kaidan slowly but still alert took his eyes away from him and turned around to the computer. “Don’t scare me like that.” He whispered. “And by the way, are you finished?”

“Yeah.” John muttered again, slowly still drinking his coffee.

“Good, I’ve scheduled a lunch with Vanity Fair, Joker will take you there right after your meeting with Miranda at the agency. She’s in town and with her few reporters want to talk to you about “the forgiving heart”. And the premiere organization is asking, who you’re bring to the premiere?”

“Can you come with me?” John reached out his hand closer to Kaidan’s arm, but he seemed not to notice and short before he touched him, Kaidan closed his laptop and packed his stuff into his bag.

“Sure, I’ll be there. But who do you want to bring?” Kaidan asked again, looking around for his scarf.

“I don’t know yet, I’ll tell you later.” John said when he realized, Kaidan wasn’t really listening.

After Kaidan left, he poked around in his wardrobe unenthusiastically and decided to go for a T-shirt and a pair of old jeans. But when Kaidan returned later with some cloth in his hands, he had just helped himself into his usual look. Kaidan shook his head and laid out a suit for him.

“Miranda would have me killed, when you go to Vanity Fair meeting with this.” He said and took out the brand new suit he had picked up. It was custom made for him and John didn’t even know it was planned. He looked himself in the mirror and decided, he was indeed looking good, and then he watched Kaidan in the mirror. When his assistant noticed, John has seen him checking on his ass, he quickly turned away, pretending, he was checking his phone.

John also turned around, hoping his assistant would look up to him, but Kaidan was persistently fixed on his screen. He took all his courage and stepped up to Kaidan, so close, their faces were only inches away, and then he took Kaidan’s phone out of his hand. He tossed on to the couch with a small whimper of Kaidan.

“John, what are you doing?” Kaidan whispered asking, slowly backing off.

“Look at me, Kaidan.” John commanded and Kaidan looked into his blue eyes. Like it was casting the constant spell, once their eyes met, Kaidan couldn’t look away and he was drawn to him, caught in his magic.

“We’ll be late…” Kaidan breathed out in the heat of the slowly closing up John. “Please….”

“Do I look good to you?” John asked seductively. “Shouldn’t I look this way for the press?” John came closer, now pressing Kaidan to the kitchen table and closer. His voice was soft, tender and very very seductive.

Kaidan blushed when he felt the hard and hot thing of John pressing on his tight and a muffled gasped escaped his mouth. “John, you look beautiful!” He took a deep breath. “We’ll be late…”

“Beautiful enough for you to fuck me?” John asked. Once those words left his mouth, he finally found his courage. He had enough of Kaidan pretending there was nothing between them. He was so drawn to Kaidan, he hardly could contain himself. He pictured Kaidan night after night. He caught himself dreaming away about Kaidan and counting the minutes until he then could see him again. He knew he was over-exhausting himself at the rehearsal, trying to do everything to perfection and pushing the boundaries of his body to impress Kaidan. But Kaidan never looked at him. John continued to stare at him.

And not able to resist anymore, and not wanting to escalate the situation, Kaidan closed the eyes, telling himself to wait for whatever is going to happen. Maybe, John was just playing with him. But then he felt the burning hot lips of John on his.

John pressed himself hard on Kaidan and feeling the hard muscle of Kaidan’s tight pressed against his, it made him hard as stone. All in his mind was how he wanted to fell on his knees and open Kaidan’s pants and take it into his mouth. He wanted to suck until his jaw hurts and he wanted to feel the same pressure on him. He wanted a man to press him against the wall and took him in. John let his lips rest a while on Kaidan’s, taking a deep breath because of the sensation going through his body. Then he slowly started to courses his lips, lick softly over it, and taste it closely.

Kaidan seemed to be frozen first, but then the ice melted, his body relaxed and he gave in into the tender kiss.

John slowly closed his arms around Kaidan’s back and his neck, pulling him closer. Also Kaidan gave in into the kiss; stroke his back and sucking on his lips. But then suddenly he pushed John away while stepping back. He panted excitedly and walked up and down in the room.

“No… this can’t happen! This isn’t right.” He muttered. But John caught him and wanted to kiss him again.

“It’s okay, Kaidan. We are both adults. It’s nothing wrong with this…” John said and wanted to get him into another kiss.

“Stop!” Kaidan stepped away from him. “John, just stop! I can’t do this.” He added, looking for his cloths. “John, I have a contract and it forbids any physical engagement with you!”

“What?”

“My contract forbids me to touch you, kiss you or whatever! I can’t do this!” He found his stuff and picked them up.

“But you’ve touched me before!” John said confused, wanting to stop Kaidan packing his stuff.

“No I didn’t.” Kaidan narrowed his eyes. “It’s you touching me. Twice on my face, that’s all. But I’ve never laid a hand on you. I can’t do this!”

“Kaidan!”

“Don’t Kaidan me! This is business.” He said and then he ran out of the apartment.

John had to think closer if what Kaidan had said was true, and it turned out to be true. Every physical contact they had was initiated by John, never by Kaidan. He didn’t give him the feeling, it was something forbidden, but he was indeed discreet. He couldn’t stop feeling hurt by what Kaidan said. He sighed a contract prohibit him having any physical contact, be it didn’t stop him to express how much he liked him. It confused him. But then he smiled.

Kaidan went away not because John had crossed a line and not because Kaidan didn’t like, because his sense for his job. And oh god, that kiss. John tossed himself back on the couch, dreaming away with the feel of Kaidan’s lips on his body and slowly he reached out his hand into his pants.

The meeting with Vanity Fair went well, they discuss all details for the interview and agreed on what to do and what not and when he was released, John wondered why Kaidan wasn’t around. He called him few times but Kaidan didn’t pick up. It was still a little time before he had to reappear back to the rehearsal, and he decided to drop off at home. Maybe Kaidan went home to continue his work. Maybe he wanted to avoid him. But he wasn’t there. After John unsuccessfully called him for another two hours, and without Kaidan replying, he started to worry. A suddenly pain came to his chest at the thought, maybe Kaidan had quit the job and he might never see him again? But he then quickly calmed himself down. If Kaidan had quit his job, he would have got a call from Miranda by now.

John had to be prepared for a TV show recording tonight, and he arrived at the studio on time. He didn’t mention Kaidan went missing to Miranda and when the make‐up ladies asked him about his tension, he explained, he hadn’t heard from his assistant for few hours. The ladies gave each other a knowing glance and just nodded. Their eyes judged on him with the disapproval how those celebrities relied so much on their adult baby sitter, but John didn’t want to argue with them.

Around nine in the evening, John had just finished his recording with the TV host, now standing backstage, chitchatting with few other guests on the show, when he saw Kaidan, walking down the hallway towards him. He knew it was rude to leave the people alone, but he couldn’t hold back. He left them, ran towards Kaidan and hugged him closely into his arm. He held him tight, resisting the strong urge to kiss, him but instead just held him tight.

“God! I was so worried!” John breathed out. “I thought you left me!”

Kaidan didn’t reply, he gave him an awkward smile and tried to free himself from the embrace. John let him go and in the dark backstage hallway, he was glad, Kaidan couldn’t see the shimmering tears in his eyes. He smiled relieved and breathed out few times before starting to talk sincere to him.

“I have to apologize. Sorry Kaidan, I shouldn’t have done it. I know, I shouldn’t bark the wrong tree, but I thought… I thought…” John wanted to say he had felt, Kaidan liked him too, and he could feel it but he didn’t know how to say it without making it too awkward. “I just want to say, it won’t happen again. I promise… I know, it very unprofessional, it’s your job and… if you’re uncomfortable about what I’m… I’ll understand if you…”

But Kaidan raised a hand to tell him, he should stop talking and John did stop. “It’s fine, John… Really it’s fine with me…”

“Good… so you’re not leaving me?” John asked and Kaidan shook his head.

John sighed relieved. He was so happy; he could have kissed him again but held himself back. Kaidan wasn’t leaving him and Kaidan was fine with the way he was. All the scenarios he had ran through his head all resulted in Kaidan leaving him and him not seeing him again, but now having him standing there with him, filled him with happiness and also make himself question his dramatic mind. Nothing else mattered when Kaidan was at his side.

Kaidan looked up also guilty towards John and sighed. “I overreacted this afternoon, John. I’m sorry.” He bit his lips. “I freaked out. It… was… It just reminded me of something I haven’t had in a long time…”

“Sorry… I was also… a little caught in the moment…” John sighed and laughed at the same time.

“It’s… I know Jane has another, but I’m still a married man…” He started but all John heard was the word “married”.

“You’re still with Jane?” John asked and like a big hand had crushed his heart, he hissed for air. He could hear his heart shatter.

“Yeah… I know it’s strange, but… I just can’t cheat on her…” Kaidan said slowly. “And she’s oversea, I’m here. And we haven’t seen each other for a year and…”

“Why didn’t you tell me, you’re still faithful to Jane?” John sounded hurt, betrayed and lied to. And Kaidan didn’t miss it.

“Well… I didn’t think it would be relevant…” He looked at him accusingly. Like he wanted to tell him, it was none of his business and he was acting fooling feeling hurt. He owed him nothing.

John wanted to say something, ask him for more secrets and what he didn’t tell him, a production assistant came to him, asking if he was ready to do few more pick‐ups. Hesitating and little caught between explaining everything to Kaidan and his job, John went with the PA.

 

For many days their lives went on, like nothing had happened. Again they didn’t talk about what had happened. The rehearsal and training time for the action sequences was approaching its end and now he had go on premiere tour for “the forgiving heart” which was already seen as a serious Oscar candidate before it hit the cinema. But luckily Miranda and Kaidan managed it to be squeezed into the two days of premiere and press conference tour before returning for the block one shooting.

Until their departure for the 12 hours flight to London, they didn’t speak much. John worked over 12 hours a day, mostly press stuff at day, and rescheduled training in the evening. And whenever he found time, he sat down at the piano to practice the song. Kaidan had managed the version played by sound guys to give him a few help. But what he hoped for wasn’t Kaidan’s helping hand in his work, but the longing glances of him. And his hopes stayed in vain.

Sometimes it became so hard to stay in the same room with Kaidan, without only thinking about kissing him, touching him and laughing to him. Miranda had noticed, he didn’t talk much with Kaidan anymore and had wondered if their relationship was bad. Although she explained to him, Kaidan was by far the most capable assistant in the agency for a while and it would be a shame to let him go, but if John didn’t get along with him, she would replace him. But John didn’t want her to know anything; especially not about his infatuation with him. He lied and she marked this issue as solved, although still keeping an eye on Kaidan.

John came home from his dinner with Miranda and found Kaidan running around in the house, packing the luggage for him. And when John saw, Kaidan was coming out of his room with a bunch of cloth, his heart raced, he looked at him open eyes but Kaidan didn’t even blink.

“So, I have stuff for few days and everything you need. Anything else you want to pack?” Kaidan asked and started to pack his own stuff.

“Ehm…” John said, glancing over to his room. “Did you just go through my stuff?”

“Sure.” Kaidan answered causally.

John swallowed which didn’t stay unnoticed by Kaidan. “John,” he said calmly. “I unpacked your stuff; I know what’s in there.”

“Ehm…” Thinking off Kaidan packing his very private stuff suddenly made him feel embarrassed.

“If you think I’ve never seen your toys…” He grinned. “It’s fine with me. Should I pack it?”

John blushed and shook his head. “I haven’t used it… it’s a joke of Miranda… she packed my stuff when I came here…”

“It’s okay… I know.” Kaidan backed off. He threw few T-shirts into a bag and a pair of old jeans. “I’ve have suits made for you and me in London. I’m going to get it for you, no need to worry. Actually we don’t even have to bring that much stuff, but who knows. ” Kaidan said smiling and John also sat down on the couch.

John rubbed his eyes, it was so late it could be called early and as far as he could remember, they had to go on the flight in few hours and he decided, and there was no need to go sleeping again. He watched Kaidan pack his stuff and he noticed a big black notebook next to him. He picked it up and turned it around curiously in his hand.

“What is it?” He asked.

Kaidan wanted to take it out of his hand quickly but John stopped him. “John, please. It’s my sketchbook.”

“Your sketch book?” He asked and opened it.

On the pages of thick paper, every inch of them where filled with countless little doodles. Some were face studies of a little girl, sometimes of an old man. Handsome young comic characters in variously different poses and outfits. It reminded of something for a videogame. He looked up curiously to Kaidan and smiled. “They are awesome.” He said continuous turning the pages. After some pages he saw some full portraits. They were quick sketches of people standing at bus stop, waiting in line for coffee or sitting in the subway. And his respect for Kaidan grew bigger. Those were extraordinary good artworks and he nodded and gasped when he turned the pages. “You’re great.”

And then John stopped at a few pages over and over again with the face of the same girl. She looked mid‐twenty, big bright eyes and a small nose. Lovely lips and freckles. He had drawn him in different position and angles and John looked up. “Is this your wife?” he asked.

Kaidan nodded.

“She’s beautiful.” He said a little sad. “I can imagine why you were so in love with her.”

“Why?” He said and wanted to have the sketchbook back, and John did it.

“She has something fascinating.” John took a deep breath. “Do you still love her?”

“It’s complicated.” Kaidan answered. Then he sighed sadly and sat down at John’s side. “We grew up together, our parents are good friends and we had always been good friends. And since our parents are all lawyers, we all were distant to become some. After I dumped law school, my family didn’t take it well, but Jane was the only one holding on to me, encouraging me to go after my dreams.” Kaidan sighed. “And… two years ago, she went to Oxford when I decided to work as freelancer. Do you think such distance and time can sustain love?”

John nodded. “You said, you’re still loyal.” John nodded. “Does it mean, you didn’t have sex since 2 years?”

Kaidan chuckled. “Well, so much about talks about love.” Then he frowned. “No, we met in spring. At her birthday… two days to release the hold… before I found out about Garrus.” Kaidan narrowed his eyes and John hissed.

“Autsch, that’s a damn long time.” He took the whiskey bottle from the table and directly drank from that. “Don’t you miss it?”

“Of course I miss it. But let’s not talk about it. It’s strange to talk about my wife to others.” He took the bottle from John and drank it. “How about you. Are you seeing anyone special? You and that actor at training hit off well.”

John laughed sarcastically. “Yes, I’m surrounded by hot boys. You know I can’t do anything and Miranda is determined to hide it. It’s so hard to find someone. I can’t go out, I can’t hook up and all I can do is call some hookers. But then I have to ask them to sign a NDA before we get down to business and that kills just everything…” John took back the bottle even Kaidan wanted to take a gulp again. He drank few big gulps making Kaidan looking at him surprised.

“So you’re looking for a boyfriend?” Kaidan asked curiously.

“Hahaha! That’s funny, Kaidan. You know I’m. You know I don’t want to hook up. ” John sneered. “And being constantly on the road is fucking hard to have a relationship. And not even meaningless sex is easy to come by. I had to stay in the closet and groupies were no go. And now… oh god, I’m so thirsty but I can’t drink. I’m starving but I can’t eat. I’m dying but I can’t save myself.” He drank more of the whiskey and remained silence. He watched the crackling fire and Kaidan moved closer to him.

He put a hand around his shoulder. “Cheer up buddy.” Kaidan said. “See it differently. When you’re established as an actor, nobody would care. And you don’t have to stay in the closet anymore. Many had come out; it’s no big deal anymore. And when you do, you can find someone. ”

John nodded. He offered the bottle to Kaidan and leaned on his shoulder. “Tell me about you, I missed talking to you.”

“What should I say?” Kaidan joked. “You know I have the worst marriage on earth, I dumped a good career to become a penniless artist and I’m damn broke.”

“Tell me about what brought you into art?”

“You don’t believe it…” Kaidan chuckled. “It’s because of star wars.”

John wanted to laugh, but Kaidan’s strict glance silenced him. “Sure, no judging… go on.”

“I saw the film when I was a kid and I wondered how they did it… and ever since I’m a huge star wars fan and yeah…. I read a lot of comics, and watched tone of sci‐fi and fantasy movies. Books and PRGs… you know what nerd children do…”

“You’re a nerd?” John couldn’t stop chuckling and his rolled his head on Kaidan’s shoulder. He was quite tipsy and sometimes his deep chuckled turned into giggling. “Don’t tell me you have a star wars tattoo somewhere?”

Kaidan’s face froze and then he started to laugh. “Actually I do.” And John burst out into a laughter. He couldn’t stop anymore until he started to cough.

“Show me.” He demanded and sat up straight.

“No!” Kaidan replied annoyed. “Stop it.” He said chuckling, when John looked at him with his piercing blue eyes. “Okay, but you don’t laugh, okay?”

“Sure!” John suppressed his laughter and Kaidan took off his sweater and then his shirt. On his back, a round sigil with two wings and a sword‐like peak in between.

“Seriously, the Jedi Order?” John leaned back chuckling. “How mainstream!”

“What?” Kaidan looked down to him seriously. “Mainstream? We are the peacekeeper of the galaxy, we are the good guys.” John just chuckled and shook his head. “What would you rather be?” Kaidan asked.

John rolled his eyes and answered naturally. “I’ll rather be a Mandalorian, a bounty hunter; answering to no one and not following some ridiculous rules.”

“Ridiculous rules? It’s a code of honor, not just some rules. We are chosen, not made.” Kaidan took the bottle out of his hand.

“And we’re the clan of warriors, always free and always fighting. C’mon, even the empire is better than the Jedis!”

“Careful, my friend!” Kaidan replied acting angrily, but John could tell, he was playing it; but quite convincing.

The talk about Star Wars had sparkled something between them. They engaged quickly into a huge discussion about the alignment of Jedis and Sith, bounty hunters and smugglers.

“I didn’t know you like them so much.” Kaidan tried to wrap up their discussion before it became an argument.

“Believe it or not, I was fascinated by it, too. All the nerdy stuff, it helped me through the teenage years.” John then put his hand into his pocket, pulled out his wallet and showed him a picture in it. “Since I was fifteen, I’m carrying this around.”

Kaidan broke into laughter when he saw Carrie Fisher in her infamous metal bikini and laughed. “I thought you would be carrying around Han Solo.”

“Na, Solo was too mainstream. Although when I look back, he’s kind of my type. But you know, back then, I was more attracted to Luke… and later Obi‐wan.” John chuckled. Kaidan took his wallet from him and examined the picture when something fell out of it. A golden ring rolled fell on the carpet and he picked it up.

“You’re carrying the ring with you?” Kaidan raised an eyebrow.

“It’s not just the ring. It’s the one ring.” John corrected him, taking back the one ring and his wallet.

Kaidan nodded. “I know it’s the one ring.”

“I mean it, it’s the one ring. I got it from the props guy who made it for the films.” John said proudly. “Took me quite some begging and concert tickets. This is not some merchandise, it’s one of the rings, they used for the film. It was around Frodo’s neck!”

Kaidan’s eye widened. He looked like someone who just saw the biggest treasure on earth and was about to take it from John. “Wow…” it was all he could say… he glared at the ring and John noticed it.

“It’s mine!” He hissed and Kaidan backed off. After a few sweet‐talking and begging, John allowed Kaidan to touch it and put it on. It was bigger than his finger, but John still pretended Kaidan had disappeared. And while Kaidan danced around the room, making fun of John, he pretended he couldn’t see him.

“Oh god, it’s so cool!” Kaidan sighed, unwillingly returning the ring to John.

They were in middle of a discussion about whatever the new hobbit movies were good or not, when Kaidan’s alarm rang and brought them back to the reality. John looked at him when he stood up tumbling and went to check if they had everything. And then he returned to help John up.

“Can’t we just stay here?” John asked innocently.

“John, it’s the premiere of your big movie!” Kaidan said and John grabbed his hand to get up. He jumped from the carpet, bumping into Kaidan and stopped.

“What if I don’t want to go? What if I wish we could run away together? A Jedi knight and a bounty hunter. Won’t that be a scandal?”

“Yes it would and I as a Jedi knight would never abandon my responsibilities.” He grabbed John’s jacket from the ground and forced him into it. “Joker and Miranda will be here in a minute. We should get ready.”

“But it’s boring.” John whined.

“Have a little sense of duty, soldier. Follow the knight; I’ll lead you into battle.” Kaidan said dramatically.

“Yes, Sir!” John saluted. “The Millennium Falcon is ready to take the young Luke to the death star!” He chuckled. “And this time, Boba is on your side.” He pointed his thumb in his own direction.

“Yes! Boba, get your luggage. Han and Leia are waiting.”

“So Miranda is Leia?” John chuckled again.

“Better Leia than Chewy.” He pushed John towards the door and then grabbed his own luggage.

“Hey, Luke!” John turned around at the door. “If I’m trouble, would you do mind control on me?”

“Anytime!” Kaidan rolled his eyes. Then he held up two fingers, swiped it in front of John’s face. “You will now go to the airport!”

“I will now go to the airport.” John repeated chuckling.

“And you will take the flight to London.”

“I will take the flight to London.” John repeated and head shaking and childishly giggling they went into the elevator.

Miranda was furious to see the two of them already drunk when they got down stairs. She didn’t think it was funny when Kaidan and John kept calling her Leia and Joker Han Solo. Joker played along. He had no problem of being Han Solo, reciting the movie, although not as good as Kaidan and John, he managed to bring them to the airport before Miranda lost her patience with them. After she had almost shouted at the two of them being childish and irresponsible, they got silent. John muttered a “Leia was nicer in the movies” Kaidan used mind control again on him to command him silence.

The flight was awfully long and right after they took off, the two of them fell asleep, and waking up few hours later with headaches. John felt, he would have maybe died if they were tied up in the comfortable seats of the first class. And when the two of them were awake and sober again, they exchanged a knowing and guilty glance. Then for the rest of the flight, they mind their own business, but not without occasionally calling each other by nicknames.

 


	5. London Calling

**Chapter five**

**London Calling**

Kaidan was quite excited about London. It had been more than two years since he last been there and John asked the driver to cruise them around the city first, before dropping them off at the hotel. Sadly he couldn’t bring Joker with them and Kaidan sensed the jumpy feels of John when he was sitting in a car with strangers.

Since they got off the plane, John didn't wanted Kaidan to leave his side. Suddenly he had discovered the geeky side of Kaidan and they had so much more to talk about. HE was so interested, fascinated and obsessed with knowing everything about him. He literally interrogated Kaidan about everything that came to his mind; if he had seen this movie, if he had read that series of comics. If he had been there, did he know and so much more.

Kaidan thought he had to tape John's mouth to make him shut up, not he didn't enjoy talking to him, but being constantly in a conversation about something he actually really like to talk about was bad for the job. Sometimes he just needed a minute of concentration just to get some work done. It was until Kaidan had pushed him into the hotel lobby, where few of the cast and crew of "a forgiving heart" had already gathered, that John finally turned his till now undivided attention to him towards his colleagues.

John casually greeted his colleagues; it was nice to see some familiar faces. James Vega, his co-star on the movie took him into his arms like old brothers and for a moment, Kaidan thought he saw them exchange a casual kiss. John and James sat down at the bar and shared a drink, while Kaidan gladly took the time and arranged with the bell boy to bring their luggage to John's room.

Kaidan had booked a luxury suit for John and a smaller room next door for himself. He knew, John didn’t like to sleep in big rooms, so at night, they could secretly switch rooms. John tossed himself on the bed in Kaidan’s room and moaned. It was early evening, but not having slept for almost eighteen hours straight, he could feel the broken bio system; and of course the drinks John had at the bar didn't really help to keep him awake.

“What do you do tomorrow?” John asked like their time schedules weren’t full of interview appointments and premiere preparation.

“Ehm. I don’t know. Visit the British museum?” Kaidan said jokingly and John suddenly sat straight on the bed.

“Can I come with you?” He said beamingly.

“No of course not!” Kaidan pushed him back on the bed; but John was fast enough to get hold of his wrist and pulled him with himself onto the bed. Then with a swift move, he had turned Kaidan around and caught him underneath himself. “John, stop!” Kaidan moaned. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing…” John smiled and leaned closer to him.

“You’re not going to kiss me again, aren’t you?” Kaidan tried to say it as casual as he could but he barely could hear his own words. His heart was pounding so loudly.

“No…” John whispered and rolled off him. “Sorry, I’m not sure what I was doing.”

“Being an ass.” Kaidan breathed out. He wanted to get up, but he could feel the laziness. He was tired and sleepy. He closed his eyes for a second and allowed himself to rest a moment. He breathed out heavily and heard the same relieved breathing of John. Without communication he knew John was also grateful for this little moment of rest before the two of them had to go back to work.

Kaidan fought against the urge to fall asleep, so he kept his eyes wide open after a short moment and starred at the celling. John was breathing calmly and Kaidan turned to the side to watch him rest peacefully. He had grown very fond of John in the last twenty-four hours. He discovered the human side of John, seeing him being passionate about something he could actually share, made him so much more likable to him. Before this, John was friendly and funny, but somehow he was still this very talented, artistic man, that was surrounded by the aura of a creature beyond our world. He had this stare in his eyes that was older than a century and deeper than the ocean. He had that elegant and melancholic look on his face that made him strong but also vulnerable at the same point.

Kaidan was trying to distract his thoughts with an explanation for John's character and a study of his personality, but he knew what he was truly wondering about wasn't the complexity of John as a person; it was the feel of his body on him. It had woken up something inside him. An old friend he had been ignoring for a long time. But now it was back and the desire was lurking behind every corner in his mind. He looked at John's defined face and pictured the physical rest of him lying on him again instead of next of him.

Kaidan took a deep breath and jumped out of bed. Then he softly rattled on John and spoke quietly but commanding. “So get ready, you have a dinner appointment.”

“I don’t want to go.” John moaned on the bed.

“Don’t be so shy…” Kaidan joked and opened John's luggage and pulled out something fresh for him to wear. “Miranda will kill us if you don't show up. C'mon all of your friends from the cast and crew will be there as well, it would be fun.”

“Can you come with me?” John looked from the bed, twisting himself into the blanket.

Kaidan crawled on the bed and pulled away John’s blanket. “No, you have to go. If you want I can come with you, but you have to get up, now!”

John let Kaidan work him for another ten minutes, before he got out of bed and went down to dinner. All the cast and crew coming in for the premiere were checked into the same hotel so there was a happy gathering in the VIP lobby. John shook hands, hugged people he hadn’t seen for a while and introduced Kaidan to every one of them as a very talented artist and his current muse.

Kaidan froze a little at the word muse, but smiled politely until they all took their seats in the restaurant.

“What was that muse thing?” Kaidan whispered during dinner. “Since when am I your muse?”

“Since you inspire me.” John answered, leaning to him and tenderly whispering into his ear.

“And since when do I inspire you?” Kaidan rolled his eyes and asked dry.

“Just because I haven’t put it down in notes, doesn’t mean you haven’t inspired anything, yet.” John smiled. “Maybe I’ll write a song about a Jedi running away with a bounty hunter and then becomes a dark Jedi.”

“Right… you wish.” Kaidan laughed.

The evening was quite enjoyable after many bottles of Champaign had been cracked open. John mostly talked to Kaidan and joked with him. He had never had the chance to go out with him this way, sitting next to each other, laughing at Kaidan’s jokes. Whenever someone told a funny story about John on set, John would turn to Kaidan, explain the circumstances and only make things worse. Kaidan had never sat at a table like this before, talking to great actors and producers and directors, listening to first hand stories behind making a movie; until a waiter walked to them, looking over the table and asked.

“Excuse me, who’s Mr. Kaidan Alenko?” He asked and both John and Kaidan looked up. He saw them nodding to him and said. “Mr. Alenko, your wife is waiting at the reception for you.”

“My wife?” Kaidan said surprised and so did John.

Kaidan slowly got up and followed the waiter out of the restaurant. John looked after him a little worried then turned back to his food but not without turning back to Kaidan once few moments. He couldn't see him, but at least, he hoped, Kaidan would walk through the door soon and took the seat next to him. He was checking his phone for Kaidan's message when James, sitting on his left side leaned over to him.

“What did he do to make you ignore me the whole night?” he whispered.

John turned around and noticed him for the first time that night. “Hey, James. Sorry… I… was…”

“Distracted, I noticed it.” He grinned. “Are you in love with him?”

“No!” John said quickly. “Yes… maybe… I don’t know.”

James smiled and clapped on his back. “I’m happy for you.”

“It’s not that easy. We’re not together.” John added. “He’s married and… ”

“Since when did a marriage stop anything in Hollywood?” James laughed out loud and clapped John again on the back again. “Does his wife know?”

“No, I don’t think so.” John then shook his head. “No, we’re not together… I haven’t told him yet… it’s so complicated. He’s my assistant.”

“So?” James asked.

“And he sighed a contract not to… you know… start something with me.”

“So?” James asked again.

“You don’t understand. He’s not like me… he’s more like you…” John grinned.

James opened his eyes wide. “What you mean like me?”

“Well, confused.” John grinned.

James acted like he was shocked but then smiled again. “It’s good to see you happy, John.”

“Yeah, so good to see you again.” John said and an actress sat on the empty seat of Kaidan.

Stephanie was the main actress on the film and played James' love interest in the movie and the sparkles on camera had jumped over to their real life and now James was also Stephanie's lover in real life. But unfortunately John and Stephanie didn’t have a scene together, so they’ve had only met because of official promotion schedules and he had seen her on set sometimes. He politely made conversation with her but when he sensed she wasn't there to make small talk, he paused to listen to her. Stephanie raised her hand shortly after she started talking and a big blinking diamond beamed at John.

“Really?” John turned around to James. “You proposed? So you guys are serious about this?”

“Yes, 18 karats serious.” James grinned and looked lovely towards his fiancée. She smiled and blinked at John. “So, John, since we are getting married, I said we should have no secrets before each other. But Jimmy refused to tell me about the two of you. So, you tell me, how was it, crawling in the mud with James?”

“It was nice.” John answered charmingly. “James was big and there was never enough room for the both of us in the mud.” He smiled and she smiled, too.

“Chris won’t tell me, but I guess I just ask you. How was the sex scene? I know I sound like a reporter, but I’m also curious to know? Was it good? The sex?”

John opened his eyes wide and blinked many times. “You want me to tell you about the sex with your soon husband?”

“Yeah, I thought before we got married, we come clean with our history.” She smiled like it was nothing.

“You know when we filmed the scene, you two were already dating, right?” John asked carefully. “What would mean…”

“What he does in the name of art doesn’t count.” She shoved the chair closer to him. “So how was it…”

“Fake?” John answered and took a big gulp of the champagne. “It was all fake.”

“Was it at least sexy?” She beamed at him. “Were you hard?”

John almost spat his drink back into the glass when she said it. “Of course I was turned on." John started sarcastically. "Because crawling in dirty, cold mud on an ice cold day, and rubbing my penis to his rough pants is very sexy, exactly how I imagined the first time of two lovers.” John nodded while she giggled. “Really, Stephanie, you have nothing to fear.” He put a hand on hers. “Your husband’s ass is still a virgin.”

“No it’s not.” She said casually and John heard James sighed behind him.

John turned around to him surprised and then put down his head and focused on the last piece of steak on his plate. “Okay… I don’t want to know.” He muttered and James pad him again on the back.

“Don’t worry. We’re quite open about these things.” James said and toasted to his fiancée. “How about you. You and that married man…”

“C’mon. Let’s not talk about it. I don’t know where this goes…” John tossed a glance to the door, hoping Kaidan would come back again. James noticed John’s anxiety about this topic and stopped asking. They talked about few other things until the night went on long and few of the people wanted to move on, when John excused himself and decided not to join. He knew there will be a big party tomorrow and it’s about time, he got some sleep.

He checked his phone for Kaidan's messages since he didn't come back to the dinner. Although his inbox was full, Kaidan wasn't one of the senders. John thought maybe he and Jane went out somewhere, maybe they went on a date or the worse, they were engaged in some special activities so he couldn't call. Back at his hotel room, he pulled out the keycard and opened the door to the smaller room. He had forgotten it was actually Kaidan’s room.

He barely opened the door; a glass flew by his head and shattered on the wall next to him. There a drunken Kaidan tumbled around the room and furiously tossing stuff across the room. A phone flew in his direction; John caught it in the air and dodged the next object flying his way.

“Hey...” He said softly and closed the door behind him quickly. Then with few steps, he crossed the room and pushed Kaidan down to the chair. “What happened?”

“She officially dumped me.” Kaidan said head-shaking. “She wasn't even surprised when I told her I knew she was unfaithful all the time.”

“Are you sad because she dumped you?” John asked carefully, taking the bottle of whiskey out of his hand. First John wondered where he got a bottle of booze but didn't ask when he saw the red ribbon around the bottleneck, he decided it must been from Jane. "Are you okay, Kaidan?"

Kaidan remained silence. He’s face was full of agony and he’s eyes a little red. John kneeled up and smelled on him. he stunk like whiskey.

“C’mon, go to bed. Everything will be fine tomorrow…” John wanted to help Kaidan get up, but Kaidan shook his head and pushed John away.

“no it won’t. My wife just left me.” Kaidan said sadly. “I thought I won’t be affected, because I already knew it. But it still hurts. I guess I just hoped, Jane would come back to me one day.”

“Yeah, I totally understand.” John said calmly. “C’mon take a shower and go to bed.”

“I failed!” Kaidan said suddenly and put his arms around John’s neck. “I’ve been a fool all the time. I’ve lied to myself, that I still love her. But tonight I realized I didn’t. You know what, when she told me she was with Garrus, all I could think of was the relief, now I can bang someone else. She told me she didn’t love me anymore, and I wasn’t hurt. I don’t even know why I’m sad.”

“It’s okay, Kaidan. You’re just confused.” John stroked his arm. “It’s okay. Let the anger out. It’s okay to feel angry at her.”

“I’m not feeling angry at her; I’m feeling it about me. I was so stupid to think this long distance relationship will work out. I thought it was okay just to see each other twice a year. I thought a marriage could be maintained via skype. I was so stupid!”

“Okay, let it out.” John said and sat on the bed. “I’m here for you.”

“I was so stupid. I haven’t had sex since January! I haven’t touched a girl since she left. I mean I didn’t even go out, just because I thought it was irresponsible towards her. You know what, she laughed at me, when I told her I was alone all the time. She said, she thought I would hook up, because she kind of expected it. And she didn’t believe me when I told her I was alone.”

John poured a glass of water for him and just nodded. He must say, he wasn’t surprised. Also he had expected it to happen. Why else would she come here to see him? She was already engaged to another man, she had no reason to maintain this relationship. And now he’s official separated from his wife, he felt it was one obstacle less in his way to Kaidan. “So, does she want a divorce?”

“No, she said she can’t pay it. She’ll let our family lawyers look into it, see if there is a way to come to equal terms.”

“So there is no need for you to be sad!” John tried to cheer him up. “See it this way, now you’re on your own again, you can have someone.”

“Who?” Kaidan spitted. “I’m a penniless artist who hasn’t finished a work in months. I have no money, I live in a tiny apartment and I’m still married. Who would want to go out with someone like me?”

“I would!” John said quickly, feeling his heart starting to beat faster. “I don’t care if you have money or not, I don’t care about your wife either. My place is big enough for the two of us. I want to go out with you.”

Kaidan suddenly got up, pushing John away. “I’m not like you!” He said loud and clear. “How many times do I have to tell you that? I have a contract. I can’t have something with you! I can lose my job!”

“It doesn’t matter!” John got up with him. “I have money. You don’t have to work! I can…”

“What? Pay me?” Kaidan was furious. “You want to be my sugar daddy?”

“No… I mean… I can support you…” John became quieter.

“I don’t need your pity, John.” Kaidan took the bottle from the table and drank a big gulp from it. “I’m not a whore.”

“I didn’t say you’re one.” John tried to take away his bottle. It might get dangerous if Kaidan drinks more. “I just… I really want to be with you.”

“Just admit it, you want to fuck me.” Kaidan shouted.

“Yes I do, okay!” Kaidan’s tone finally made him angry. “You know I want you since the day you started. I’ve made enough mistake to scare you off; scare anyone off, and why are you still around?” John grabbed Kaidan and pushed him to the wall. “You’re flirting with me, teasing me, but constantly telling me you’re not like me! If you’re confused, don’t use me to figure it out, because I want you too bad.”

Kaidan grabbed him by the front of his shirt and pressed a hot and wet kiss on John’s lips. “I know you want me…” Kaidan whimpered. “Take it…”

“No, c’mon! Kaidan, you’re drunk. Not like this” John whispered. He didn’t want to stop kissing Kaidan, but he couldn’t continue either after he just said.

Kaidan kissed him again, but John backed off. Kaidan came after him and pushed him to the bed. “What’s wrong? Now finally I’m single, you don’t want it anymore?” Kaidan took off his shirt and sweater, showing his naked body.

John was surprised to see his body. It was fitter than he had expected. His skin was pale and felt soft. Kaidan crawled on him and let his crotch touch his and John licked his lips. He wanted to kiss Kaidan, touch his skin with his lips and lick over his dark nipples. His cock rose inside his underpants, and Kaidan felt it. He twisted his butt and rubbed his center to John’s. John gasped from the sensation and breathed out. But he couldn’t do it. He pushed Kaidan off him.

“You’re drunk, you shouldn’t.” He stepped back, but Kaidan got up with him. He grabbed the bottle from the side table, pressed it into John’s hand.

“Drink!” He said. When John didn’t do anything, he took the bottle and pushed it to John’s lips. "Get drunk and stop talking!"

“Alright!” John drank something and it burned like hell. He didn’t know what it was but it was strong.

“Feeling better?” Kaidan came to him, opening his pants. “Now you want to have me?”

“I can’t. Kaidan, don’t tempt me.” John looked away, when Kaidan put his hands inside his pants, rubbing himself and moaning. Then he pushed his pants to the ankle, and put out his penis form the underwear.

John couldn’t stop locking at it. It struck him like lighting. His mind was blank, his voice died. John kneeled down and took away Kaidan’s hand. He swallowed the entire thing and pushed it hard into his own mouth until his chocked. John wanted everything, he wanted to taste him, lick him and feel how he became hard in his mouth. Kaidan moaned loudly and John soon had tears in his eyes as Kaidan pushed himself in more, and with his hands holding John’s head. But he didn’t want to stop, he wanted to taste it. And sooner than he thought, Kaidan came with a long sigh. John touched himself, and within few minutes, still with Kaidan in his mouth, he came in his own fingers.

Kaidan then pushed John’s head back, pulling his pants up, fell on the bed and breathed loudly. John kneeled surprised by his own action in front of the bed, and watched Kaidan falling asleep within seconds. When he was sure, Kaidan’s was out; he cleaned his hand with a towel in the bathroom. Back in the room, John took off Kaidan's shoes and put a blanket on him. He sat at the bedside, his head in his hands, cursing and swearing in his mind. What did he just do? What if Kaidan still remembers? John turned around to look at Kaidan and the desire in him to crawl into his bed and sleep with him grew so unbearable, he escaped into the suite, barricaded the door between the two rooms and lied twisting around the whole night, until it was almost bright until he closed his eyes.

*** ***

It felt like he just closed his eyes when someone carefully shook him, calling his name. Kaidan was at his bedside, softly taking care of him like always. The sadness and agony of last night completely disappeared, leaving his usual warm smile. John got up after few times turning around moaning and whining. But when he got up, and looked at Kaidan, he was sure; Kaidan had decided not to talk about it with him.

Soon after Kaidan had managed breakfast, Miranda and a delegation of make‐up artist, tailor and other people arrived at his hotel room. Kaidan had avoided him all the time, mostly talking to Miranda or organizing something for her and him. It was late afternoon when they finally got into the limo to take them to the red carpet, when John first met Kaidan’s eyes. He wanted to say something but Kaidan only glanced over to Miranda and he remained silence.

The film was long, and slow. But full of promised up and down. At some point, Kaidan had to look away because of the graphical depiction of suffering was getting on him. He had seen John at work before, he had seen him at rehearsal with other actors but he realized he had never seen a full film of him. And what he saw now on screen was breathtaking. If someone could tell anything with his eyes, then it was John. Like it was a window to his mind, he needed no words to twist your heart or touch your soul. Kaidan, never really known an actor before couldn’t stop wondering how they did it. It already make him feel terrified, amazed and touched by what was shown on screen, but acting it. He couldn’t imagine someone not be touched by it. He turned around in the cinema, looking over the crowd, searching for John. But he couldn’t find him.

After the film ended, the crowd applauded and Kaidan was among one of the first to exit the theater. The other personal assistants were called away already. Some of their employers had some extra demands that couldn’t wait until the film had ended and the last one leaving their seats gave him a jealous look before she also ran out, reading the e‐mail she just got.

Kaidan found Miranda quickly, she was happily chatting with Liara, and Kaidan beamed when she saw her. Liara came up to him, like usual dressed in blue, she greeted him like old friends, and Miranda praised Kaidan’s ability and how satisfied the agency is with Kaidan. He left them to chat and organized the limo to bring John to the after show party in one of the most famous clubs. He found him on the balcony of the cinema, sharing a smoke with James. He wanted to interrupt to tell him, his ride was ready, when he saw how John and James seemed to be close, talking about something personal, he waited.

“I don’t know what I should do.” John said.

“Come out.” James suggested. “You have nothing to fear. After this, there is nothing to fear for.”

“I’m not sure…” John said. “It’s such a private thing…”

“What’s wrong? A year ago, you sounded different.” James inhaled the smoke and exhaled.  “What changed in between? Suddenly afraid to lose all this?”

“No.. not this. A year ago, I thought the only way to find a boyfriend is to come out in public. But now…” John sighed. “Even when I do, there are still other obstacles… How can we sustain a relationship with this life?”

“We don’t.” James also sighed. “We struggle and cut back. It’s hard, but if he’s the one? Isn’t that worth it?”

John didn’t answer and James continued. “What happened? You seemed happy yesterday.”

“I’ve made a mistake…” John said. “I told him how I feel.”

“And?”

“He hasn’t answered yet.” John rubbed his head. “What if he leaves me?”

“John, c’mon! Just take some risk for once.” James shook his head. “Just because Kai Leng hurt you, doesn’t mean every man’s going to hurt you…”

A door behind them opened and James' assistant came in. “James, the car is ready.” She said and held the door open for him.

James offered John the ride to the club and Kaidan saw the two of them finishing their talk and rushed quickly to talk to John. John beamed when Kaidan came towards him across the room. Kaidan took the cigarette out of John’s hand, took the last drag and then put it in the ashtray.

“The car is ready, you’re going to maxima’s club and then afterwards to the midnight show of the circus fantasia.” He said and nodded to James and his assistant. John gave James a glance telling him, he’ll stay here with Kaidan, and James nodded and pushed his assistant away. Kaidan apologized be being away so long and asked many times, if John needed anything since he hadn’t called for hours. But John only shifted from one foot to another.

“Kaidan… what happened last night…”

Kaidan reached out a hand to cover John’s lips but quickly took it away knowing, people could see them.

“Don’t, John. We don’t have to go down that path. Let’s just be professional okay… we don’t have to talk about it… ever.” Kaidan said quickly and scrolled down the list on his Ipad for a third time, not really paying attention. “We have work to do.”

“Don’t you want to know what happened?” John was hurt because Kaidan was so less interested. “Do you remember?”

“I remember.” Kaidan suddenly sounded embarrassed. “I’m so sorry, John. I was drunk, I was angry at Jane. I know it’s a mistake and… this is a job, and I want to do it good. And that’s not part of it. Please, let’s not talk about it.” Kaidan opened the door, but John closed it again.

“I know, but it’s not just a job anymore, does it?” John asked. “It’s… more than that…”

“No, John. It meant nothing. We were drunk and we comforted each other. That’s it. Please, I signed a contract. I can lose everything. Don’t make this harder than it is…” Kaidan almost begged and opened to the door and John closed it again.

“You think it’s a mistake…” John said eventually, bitterly.

“You don’t?” Kaidan looked surprised to him.

“I don’t.” John shook his head, looking down on the floor, studying his toes. “I think it was great…”

Kaidan stepped away from him a little. “John, this is so messed up. I really don’t want to lose this job.”

“And I really want to be with you.” John almost cried. “I want you to give me a chance…”

“How?” Kaidan put down the Ipad. “What you want is impossible. How are we supposed to do this? By contract, I can’t be with you in the way you want; otherwise I’ll lose my job. You want some fun? There are other people out there for you; I’m not that kind of guy. You want a relationship? You want to hide? Sneak behind doors and bookshelves to make out? And I just been dumped by my wife, I’m really that type of guy who stumbles from relationship to relationship.”

John remained silence. He bit his lips and looked grin to Kaidan. “John,” Kaidan let a hand on his shoulder. “Think this through. It’s not going to work. Let's finish this game before we get burned.” Kaidan finished and opened the door back to the inside.

John’s hands grabbed into the railing of the balcony and he clenched his teeth. Something twisted hard in his heart. He wanted to cry but then he few he couldn’t. He was at the premiere and how would it look like, if he come back from the balcony in tears. Minutes later, the door opened again, and Kaidan stretched out his head. “John, it’s time.”

The party was crowded and whenever he went, people wanted to shake his hand, praise him, tell him how great he was, and promise he’ll get the Oscar for sure. But all John could think of was Kaidan. And thinking of Kaidan rejecting him, he could cry out. He had chatted with many people at the party, pretending he was having a good time. He tried to bury his agony in alcohol and things went blurry faster than he should let it happen.

*** ***

Kaidan turned around in his bed several times, and went on to get the call. He barely put the phone to his ears; he already heard the screams of Miranda. And at once, he was awake. He turned on the TV as she commanded and went online with his computer at once. And what he saw shocked him, just as the yelling and questioning Miranda.

Everywhere on every website and on every new channel was same headline. Hollywood star John Shepard caught in flagrante with hooker in club toilette. With the head line came pictures in a way he didn’t want to see John. He was pushed against the wall; pants open while a girl in a mini dress and high heels kneeling on the ground; her head not on eyelevel. And then another where he had pressed the girl towards the wall and pushed her skirt up to her waist. But luckily every compromising detail was pixeled out.

“Oh my god!” Kaidan gasped.

“Open the door!” Miranda said and hung up. Seconds later he heard someone knocking on the suit door. She didn’t know the two of them changed rooms so he presumed she was checking if John was there. Kaidan opened the room fully awake, and she looked at him surprised, straight walking into the room, looking for John.

“Where is he?” She asked.

“I don’t know.” Kaidan asked and looked for keycard for his room, when he couldn’t find it; he carefully opened the door to the other room.

John was lying on the bed, fully dressed in yesterday’s cloth, heavily at sleep. He carefully closed it again and told Miranda to calm down.

“Where were you, why didn’t you stop it?” Miranda asked accusingly.

“I wasn’t there. John sent me home after we arrived at the party. He said he didn’t need me.” Kaidan defended himself. And right, why should he stay at a party he didn’t want to be, just to wait for his boss to finish partying?

“Why did you leave? You’re supposed to be there in case this happens.” She walked in the room up and down, thinking of what she could do. “You have to find the girl, make her a good offer and silence her.” She mumbled to herself for a while, walking up and down while Kaidan called the hotel reception to ask for breakfast and coffee. “Wait, wait… maybe it’s not a bad idea they got caught…” he heard she mumble when the door to his room slowly opened.

“What happened?” John rubbed his eyes. “Who was pounding on the door? Why are you so loud?”

“John!” She walked towards him and pushed the magazine into his hand. “What happened to you?”

John quickly reviewed the headlines, and suddenly afraid and ashamed looked up to Kaidan. “I can explain!” He walked to Kaidan. “Please Kaidan, let me explain…”

“Don’t John… you don’t….” Kaidan only waved with his arms and told him not to say anything and tossed a nervous glance over to Miranda.

“John, stop, just listen once!” Miranda said louder. “This is it. This is how we stop the rumors. This shows you’re not gay…” She then frowned. “You’re not completely, right? I mean, we can say it and mention Ashley…”

John said nothing, feeling suddenly his head ache; he pushed Miranda out of his room. “Yeah, right. Do whatever you want. Tell the public whatever you want. And if they want me to apologize, I will, but now, I have to talk to Kaidan, alone.” He slam shut the door in Miranda’s face and turned around to Kaidan.

“I’m so sorry… I messed up…” He tried to get Kaidan to look at him, but Kaidan kept avoiding his eyes. “I didn’t want to. After what you said on the balcony… I was angry… please, look at me.” John begged and Kaidan looked at him frowning. “Kaidan, please, I was sad and horny… you looked too good at the premiere.”

“So I looked too good, so you fucked a hooker?” Kaidan couldn’t contain his anger.

John shook his head. “I was drinking too much…”

“Hey, you don’t have to apologize to me, you don’t owe me anything.” Kaidan said, raising his hands to gesture he didn’t care. “You can do everything you want, and with anyone you want. Just next time, call me so I can organize you something more private.”

“Stop, Kaidan!” John bellowed suddenly. “Please, don’t be so cruel!” He came to him, took his hands and begged. “You know how I feel about you… please don’t say such things to me. I’m really sorry, and I won’t do it again.”

“Don’t promise something you can’t hold!” Kaidan took away his hands from him. “You promised to keep your distance… you promised such things will never happen again… John I’m not gay… and… you’re my boss!”

“And what if I’m not. Would you give me a chance?” John asked honestly.

“No… I’m not…” Kaidan said.

“Right, keep telling yourself that. When I kissed you, you act very convincingly not gay, and when you offered yourself to me, you sounded differently!”

“Stop!” Kaidan clenched his teeth together.

“And when I blew you, you didn’t care if I was a man…” and splat!

Kaidan had punched John hard in the face. Then he pushed him further away from himself. “I’m not like you! I don’t want something like this! I want a nice girl, a normal girl, with a normal life and have a normal family! I’m still married and this is a temporary job!” Kaidan pointed to him to warn him. “I’m just here for the money and in three months, I’ll be gone. I’ll go back to my atelier and you’ll be stuck in this life! Hiding in closets, hitting on personal assistants! I heard about you! I know you say and do whatever you need to get your assistants into your bed! I heard about Ashley!” Kaidan finished, leaving John shocked.

“Don’t talk about things you don’t know about.” He said quietly, tears in his eyes. “Nothing happened between me and Ashley.”

“So you two didn’t have an affair, and she quit after you dumped her?” Kaidan asked. “Are you telling people you’re gay, so they don’t suspect anything?”

“No! It’s not what happened!” John said. “Ashley had an affair with someone else on set, and he was married. So we told everyone it was me to cover it up for her. She wanted to come out as an actress, being a man stealer isn’t the best start! That’s why. I never touched her.”

Kaidan silenced suddenly; somehow ashamed about believing stupid rumors. “John, can we just stop here? I like you, I like this job and I really need it. I don’t want to leave, but if things continue, either I’ll quit or they fire me.”

John remained silence for a long while. He just looked down on his toes and felt miserable. He wanted to step up to Kaidan, embrace him and tell him, they can make it somehow and Kaidan also telling him, they could somehow manage. But it didn’t happen. Instead, Kaidan looked down on the phone, checking the time and muttered, they had to start packing, because the car was leaving soon.

The flight back wasn’t half as amusing as the flight towards them. Miranda spent the entire trip calling around, to contain the news and the photos from spreading. Since the photographer had sneaked into the private party without invitation, she managed to have their lawyers somehow contain the damage. After six hours, the news only became a rumor. Miranda thanked the dark toilet and John’s good instinct; his face wasn’t really recognizable. Kaidan spend most of his awake hours with reviewed online critics of the film and picked out those, he thought would interest John.

But John had sunk into another level of miserable. The entire trip, he didn’t talk to Kaidan, he didn’t glance over to him. He just kept to himself and listened to music, while he made notes about song text and accords. Kaidan thought, they had stand through the worst when they left the London airport, where a swarm of paparazzi followed them, asking questions about the hooker and also his films. But the airport when they landed was something very very different. Here an army of paparazzi and reporters were waiting for them.

“How much did you pay for her?”`

“Was it good?”

“Was it worth the money?”

“Will you see her again?”

“Did you have an affair with James Vega on set?”

“Was the sex scene in the film real?”

Some of the questions were so ridiculous, Kaidan had to laugh. He and Miranda could manage to find a way through the crowd with physical commitment, and Joker was on spot to pick them up.

“There is no coming through. The whole plaza is occupied by reporters. I can enter through the garage, but… it won’t be funny this way. And once inside, John's basically imprisoned.”

Kaidan quickly looked up and exchanged a glance with Miranda. “We have to find him a new place.” He said, and immediately starting to browse the internet. “It won’t be easy.”

John looked out of the window, still with the frown on his face and then whispered to Kaidan. “You have an apartment in the city, right? Can I stay at your place? You told me you’re still looking for a roommate.”

“Yeah, but… I’m renting a fifteen square meter room…”Kaidan added.

“It should be fine with me.” John said. “Is it furnished?”

Kaidan hesitated before saying yes and then looked back to Miranda. She shrugged with her shoulders and nodded. “Yeah, why not, he can stay with you for few days until we find a new place. Hotels aren’t really an option either.”

Kaidan nodded, thinking of having John as his roommate, he didn’t know if he should be happy or not. But John seemed to like the idea a lot. He grinned again for the first time for a day and the mood relaxed.

 


	6. Under the mistletoe

**Chapter six**

**Under the mistletoe**

Two weeks after the premiere of "A forgiving heart", things finally cooled down a little. The hordes of reporters and paparazzi had stopped sieging the plaza, but they still followed John with every step, whenever they could get a glance of him. It took them another three weeks, until they could come back to routine life. The rehearsal for the movie had finished and now they were full into the shooting block one.

Kaidan and John didn’t see each other so often and both were buried in work. Kaidan received record number of request for interviews, TV appearance or other kind of stories. He practically could bring a sleeping back to the office at the agency and sleep over there, and went only home to sleep or take a shower. Also John was sometimes so tired from shooting; when he came home he barely made it into his room. It happened more than once, Kaidan came home at night, finding John sleeping on the couch, with a small blanket tossed over his shoulder.

He would usually bring out the bigger blanket from the bedroom and put it over John. He knew, the life on set was exhausting and he had less and less time to babysit him, but Kaidan was still trying his best to keep John healthy and balanced. Nor or less Kaidan got an angry e‐mail from the costume department and make up department, requesting Kaidan to plan his daily life better. He keeps showing up on set with dark shadows under his eyes and his getting thinner. The costumes made for him barely fit and if he didn’t bulk up soon, they’ll have to cut the sex scene and replace him with a body double. Kaidan sighed at the sight of the mail and didn’t know what to do. As he expected, his request for John to eat properly and sleep more wasn’t take too well by him. Until Kaidan threatened to change his Wi-Fi password and cancel his internet connection, John promised to go to bed earlier, muttering, playing few hours of video games was his basic human right and sleeping four hours a night was absolutely normal for adult human.

His relationship with John got better once they had not time to flirt anyway. John loved his apartment at first sight and the next day, he moved to his place with all his stuff in the penthouse and occupied the tiny bedroom and started shopping for more to decorate their apartment. He had spent nights after nights reading through Kaidan’s comic collection and he bellowed with laughter when he reread the Naruto series. He had played his games, read his books and with high interest, he had examined his artwork collection and action figures. John sometimes just sat on the couch, wondering how cool Kaidan’s apartment was.

In his shopping rage, he had bought a new set of candle holders for his dining table; a one square meter brick of wood mounted on the kitchen wall. He had ordered a new TV, because playing games on his old small screen was painful, John said and at the sight of the uncompleted collection of Naruto manga, John had bought the rest, finished reading them and when the bookshelf threatened to collapse with the sheer endless books, mangas and other comics John had purchase, he decided, a new bookshelf would solve the problem. Within the few weeks, he had completed several comic collections Kaidan had started but not able to complete because of the lack of money. He had a new TV, several new game consoles, a concert e‐piano now standing in John’s bedroom, a fully new decorated kitchen, more dishes, more cutleries and more of everything.

Kaidan had to take away his credit card to stop him from buying anything, because almost every day he came home to discover various packages for him and John happily unpacking them, and went after his home décor rage.

“John! Stop ordering something!” Kaidan finally demanded when John had purchased a set of pillowcase, now finally fitting to the couch in color and sat down to pull them over the old and flat pillows. “This is not your apartment! Stop buying things!”

“I pay rent, technically it’s my apartment.” John said smiling and put the pillow on the couch, backed off a step, leaning against the kitchen wall and nodded. “Now it’s much better.”

“John…” Kaidan, holding on to the kitchen counter hard and clenched his teeth. “I would really appreciate you not to buy anything. Have you thought of how much work it will be to remove all this? Not to speak of how hard it would be to give them away again?”

“Why would you want to remove it? It looks wonderful!” John pulled the next package closer to him and started cutting the tape.

“Because when you move out, I’ll have to sort those out and send after you.” Kaidan followed him through the tiny apartment.

“No, leave it. It’s yours now. I don’t have to take all this with me. My house is mostly decorated in black and white; the brown pillows would look awful on the black couch.”

Kaidan didn’t answer. He had guessed, John would actually just leave everything here and he can’t say, he was disappointed by it. Although John had helped him with many things he had desired but not able to buy. Not nor or less there is a wrong feeling in it.

John gave out a big “ah….” when he opened the package and not able to contain him, Kaidan had to peak to see what it was this time.

John looked up from the package, but carefully closed it again for Kaidan not to see it. “I promise, this is the last one. With this, our sanctuary is completed.” John smiled wide and then pulled out a black and white ceramic figure out of the box and at the second glance, Kaidan realized what it was. “Tada…” John handed over to him. “The stormtrooper cookie jar!”

Kaidan smiled and laughed. Well, it was in the end something he wanted. He doesn’t eat cookie much, and nor did John, but at the sight of it, and holding it in his hands, he felt like a small fanboy. After the two of them overcame their joy of possessing a star wars cookie holder, they finally sat down calmly and Kaidan started to review his work, checking schedules and John took out the script to once again see the text of the next day’s shoot.

Few hours later, Kaidan was still sitting at the small table, slowly feeling the pain in his shoulders. He wished someone could now softly give him a neck massage and his wish came true just few minutes later. He smelled the freshly washed skin, smelling like the coconut soap he had in the bathroom and two warm hands put on his shoulder, pressing hard.

It was little achy first, but then, it felt better and better. Kaidan twisted his neck to add some effect to the massage and moaned silently. He knew it was John touching him, but it felt so good he didn’t want to stop. And in the last few weeks, John didn’t give him any reason to be alarm, so he let him.

“It’s quite uptight.” John whispered and Kaidan nodded.

“It feels good.” He put a hand of his on John’s and directed his fingers to where it hurt the most. John followed his lead and slowly he not only massaged his shoulder, but also his neck and in the end his scalp. Only ten minutes of John’s touch, Kaidan felt like reborn. When John stopped, he reached out a hand to hold John’s, and then he turned around to look at him. “hey… I didn’t want to yell at you earlier…”

“You’re right. I’m just temporary here and I really shouldn’t buy too much…” John said and nodded to take his apology. “I was a little out of control.” John leaned back, looked through the room and smiled. “Just I never had a place I can decorate. When I’m on tour, I’m staying in hotels, or sleeping in the bus. When I’m shooting, Ashley mostly already had a great place rented for me, and my home? Well, that’s completely designed by interior architect, all my nerdy collections packed and put in the cellar, so when the camera comes to film my house, it looked neat and expensive.”

“I didn’t know that.” Kaidan sighed.

“Your place is awesome.” John also sighed. “It’s so full of character. I know you as a person, when I step into your house and there so much to discover here.” John stretched. “I wish I can stay longer.”

“Yeah, right.” Kaidan nodded and asked inner if he should tell John, he had stopped actively looking for a new place for him to stay a week ago. “You can stay here, you know.” Kaidan continued. “Well… if you don’t mind, you can continue stay here… because… I really don’t have time to look for a place.”

John beamed. “Great!” He walked away from Kaidan and tossed himself on the couch and looked at Kaidan expectedly. Kaidan knew what question it was.

“Maybe later, I still have something to finish.”

“Okay.” John said and started continue playing Diablo.

“Oh right,” Kaidan looked up from his computer. “John, I’ve never told you that, but…” he hesitated a little. “I think you’re really good in “forgiving heart”. I’ll hope you get the recognition you deserve.”

John looked around to him a little speechless and then smiled, before turning back to the game.

It was many hours later, John had fallen asleep on the couch again, and Kaidan finally finished his work around two in the morning. In four hours, he had to get up and organize the next day, and when he slowly walked pass John; he woke up and grabbed his hand.

“Kaidan,” he muttered.

“Go back to sleep.” Kaidan said quietly, but John was awake at once and looked up to him.

“I want to ask you to do something for me, before I forget it.”

“Anything.” Kaidan replied and took out his phone to take notes.

“Saturday… It’s my first day off in weeks.” He started.

“I know. I’ve kept that day as empty as possible. Only lunch with the agency and a CD signing session downtown. You know, your Christmas CD?”

“Can you cancel everything?” John slowly got up from the couch, tangling himself in the blanket. “Absolutely nothing. I have some plans on my own.”

“Ah… okay.” Kaidan said yes and watched John disappear in his bedroom. Kaidan quickly went through what he needed to do to cancel the appointments, but it was fairly easy. And with a good mood, knowing, maybe he also will have a slightly relaxed day; Kaidan went to sleep ease on the heart.

*** ***

The Saturday couldn’t come fast enough. Kaidan only had to pick up John from a TV show on Friday night, and he could go into his free day. He arrived before the show ended and while he watched John and James on the host’s sofa, talking on live TV about the exhausting shoot, the infamous sex scene under very awkward conditions and casually making fun of each other, he couldn’t stop but laugh, too.

“I don’t know what you’re doing, but he looked so much happier since he was on with me.” James joined his side after the show in the corridor. “What are you doing?”

“Ehm, nothing special.” Kaidan said.

“Did he finally find his prince charming?” James asked, making Kaidan chock on the water he was drinking.

“What, no!” Kaidan felt the sudden urge to defend John. “Who said there is a prince charming?”

“He said.” James and Kaidan both looked over to John, happily changing into his normal cloth and let the make‐up lady wipe away the paint from his face. “Last time we met at the premiere.”

“What? What did he say?”

“He said, he was madly in love with the prince Charming, but prince charming isn’t on the same side.” James recited. “You know that guy? Capable, cute and an artist.”

“Ehm…” Kaidan didn’t know what to say. He knew James was smirking at him in a knowing way, and although he had the feeling, James was talking about him, he still didn't really dare to hope.

“It’s okay; I know you can’t say anything.” James nodded and clapped Kaidan on the back. “But in case you don’t know. John and I know each other for years. He’s the best man I know. I wish him luck and if I can, I would tell everyone never to let go of him again.”

“Sounds like you two had something.” Kaidan frowned.

“I would have never let him go.” James said casually and Kaidan choked. "Just kidding, we are just good friends. "James smirked at Kaidan again before his assistant picked him up for his next appointment. He walked away after a brief farewell from John.

John came out of the dressing room few moments later and together they got into the car. Knowing tomorrow was completely up for their own desire, John smiled wide and so did Kaidan. On the way home, John turned off the alarm on his phone demonstratively and hinted Kaidan to do the same.

The Saturday began just the way John had imagined. He slept in and long. After he woke up, he turned around few times and continued sleeping, until his ears hurt from his own weight and he couldn’t keep his eyes shut anymore. After a brief morning routine in his room, he trotted into the kitchen, starting with the coffee and then examined the fridge for something to eat.

By the time, Kaidan came out of his room, his hair wildly pointing into every direction, and only dressed with a boxer and undershirt, and fluffy shoes on his toes, he greeted him excitedly. He noticed he barely sees Kaidan in the morning. Normally Kaidan’s the one waking him and he always looked brightly awake. Now he looked sleepy and dark shadows under his eyes indicated, he didn’t sleep lot.

“Long night?” John asked and poured coffee into a mug.

Kaidan nodded and took the cigarette out of Shepard’s hand and smoked it. Since he was living with John, he picked up his own bad habit from years ago and occasionally smoked. “It’s bad for your voice.” Kaidan muttered and sipped on the coffee.

“What did you do?” John sat down after putting a big plate of eggs and bacon in front of them and started picking the food with a fork.

“I felt like painting and suddenly it was morning.” Kaidan said. “I can’t feel my right arm.” He whined but making John smile.

“What did you paint?”

“The Diablo barbarian. It’s an old idea of entering the blizzard painting contest.” Kaidan slowly woke up with the coffee and beamed at the eggs and bacon.

“Can I see?”

“Sure… but later.”

The morning passed in the blink of an eye and after few rounds of Diablo co‐op and a movie later, John asked if Kaidan wanted to out; taking a walk. Because the lack of better ideas, John joined him. The early winter was nice in town. It was cold but not cold enough for them to return home soon. A lot of people were outside, walking in the park and families at playgrounds. After a long walk while they discussed the movie and many other things, the said down at a park bench to watch a group of young boys playing pranks of passing girls.

They had bound mistletoe on a stick and let it hover over their head and then walked up to girls to steal kisses. Many of them just walked away giggling, apologizing and some reacted annoyed, some laughed. And some actually stopped to give the one of the boys a kiss. John and Kaidan laughed andenjoyed the setting sun on their faces. Soon they started to bet on the upcoming girls’ reaction and Kaidan was much much better than John making him lose more than just few bills in minutes.

“It’s a perfect day.” John breathed out after he lost another bill to Kaidan.

“I agree. It’s really relaxing.” Kaidan stuffed the money into his pocket and leaned back.

Then suddenly something twitched over them and they looked up. One of the boys and reached out the stick to let the mistletoe hover over their heads and John smiled, looking over to Kaidan, checking his reaction, before doing anything. He had nothing against kissing Kaidan and when the smile on Kaidan’s face didn’t vanish, he leaned forward. He didn’t expect Kaidan to answer to his offer, but very different than he thought, Kaidan turned to him and gave him a kiss. It was soft and Kaidan’s nose was ice cold, but the hot feeling inside him made him warm.

John’s heart raced and the blood started to float into one region of his body, and all he could hear was his own heart beating. It could be just few seconds; it could also be an eternity. And when Kaidan took away his lips, he internally begged him not to stop.

The boy didn’t take the mistletoe away, instead it bounced it few more times over their head, until Kaidan raised his hand to beat it away with a casual “very funny.”, the boy went away giggling. John hoped Kaidan wouldn't have done that, but he shouldn’t be greedy. Maybe it was better to let them take it on slower. But thing definitely went the right way and with this kiss, his day was truly perfect.

On the way home they didn’t talk much, John walked next to Kaidan, sinking his hands deep into his pockets, otherwise they might have found their own mind to take Kaidan’s hand and hold it.

“I think I should do some work,” Kaidan said after they got back and John didn’t protest.

“Thank you.” John muttered.

“What for?”

“For the kiss under the mistletoe. Believe it or not, it was my first.” John grinned and Kaidan also grinned.

“Yeah, me too.”

The evening was quiet, John was practicing piano when Kaidan burst into his room, his phone in his hand and a sight of panic in his eyes.

“Take off your cloth!” He demanded and turned on the light in the room.

“Wait, what?” John looked up surprised.

“Take of your cloth. I have to send Chloe from make‐up a picture of your naked body. She doesn’t believe me you’ve gained some weight.”

“Okay…” John got up and took off his shirt. “Why.”

“They want to reschedule the bedroom scene. Before everybody went back home for Christmas and your body might be ruined by holiday food.”

“Should I do some crunches so she can see the muscles?”

“Good idea!” Kaidan said and carried few more lights into the room to light up John better.

Ten minutes later and countless crunches later, John straightened up in the room, let his muscle play and Kaidan took a good shot to send it to Chloe and let John put on his cloth again. And less than an hour later, he got the call by the production assistant to inform him, the shoot for the scene will be put to tomorrow on and is scheduled for four days.

“Four days!” John said loud. “What do they want to shoot? A porn?”

“I don’t know.” Kaidan muttered and opened John’s contract. “Do you by the way know if you’ve given any specific details, how much of your body are allowed to be shown? I can’t find any.”

“Ehm… well…” John blushed slightly. “Actually I always tell the people I’ll do whatever it takes.”

“Whatever it takes? You know it could mean full‐frontal, right?” Kaidan looked up to him astonished.

“It’s not like I haven’t done it before.” John shrugged, trying to hide his anxiety.

“You mean in forgiving heart.”

John nodded.

Kaidan shook his head and sighed. “That’s something different. It was dark and barely lit. You can’t see anything.”

“I mean the scene when James and I danced in the rain, at the end of the movie.” John explained.

And suddenly Kaidan remembered that scene. Somehow it was so vastly different than a sex scene and its clear message of innocence and purity let him forget, the two of them were new born naked in the movie. He nodded and frowned a little. “I’ll try to figure out what they want to do until tomorrow, so we don’t get a heart attack. And John, you better shave…” He pointed to his own center area. “You know, down there.”

*** ***

As Kaidan feared, the director had no mercy on John. He not only wanted him in full body commitment, and after seeing him on stage with his freshly shaved and oiled body, he decided to quit any kind of body double. At least, before they start, Kaidan could manage the useless staff leave the stage to give him and his co‐star, an established femme fatale, some privacy. John had never done some bedroom scene like this before. Actually the only one he did was in a dirty whole with very dim lighting, very unlike this well‐lit, and pornorous decorated room.

The director explained to him, in what kind of situation the characters were in and John nodded. He was nervous like he had never been before. Naked as a jail bird under his dressing gown, he suddenly wasn’t comfortable with his naked skin anymore. Knowing Kaidan was standing somewhere in the dark area he couldn’t see, he wasn’t sure, if he could present himself from the best side. In his head, this is not how Kaidan should explore his body.

His leading lady was already lying on the bed, only covered by a soft layer of silk, glancing seductively towards him. Her eyes welcomed him to do whatever he desired and John swallowed. He had never had such intimacy with a woman before, suddenly feeling stupid; he didn’t know what to do. He heard the different calls from the director, giving him instruction of what he should do or not and asked himself, if it pictured the real act between a man and a woman.

The plan was, they were a couple like Bonny and Clyde, deeply in love with each other, but still not completely trusting each other. Recently stolen two million worth of gold, they wanted to double cross each other. She had planned to seduce him into bed, make him tired and then disappear with the money and he had the same plan.

So the engagement was not only screaming for sexual dominance, it also needed to appear lethal, seductive and extremely dangerous. John had to start with kissing her lips, and then down to her neck, and always down unto her feet. But no matter how hard he tried, his kiss didn’t look sincere and the desire in his eyes were lacking in every take.

John apologized to her and also to the director for the lack of enthusiasm. It was until he forced himself to imagine a hot male body when his movement spiced up with desire. He imagined, it was Kaidan’s lips he was kissing and their first time together. He thought of the heat cooking in him back in London, how greedily Kaidan had pushed himself into him, willing to dominate him, he started to feel it. The actress played along with him. John didn’t really know if she was imagining someone else or just being an extremely good actress. Led by her actions, he also found the sleeping beast inside him and he let it flow.

When they finished their final take, which was prove to be the best, the two of them sank to the fluffy bed, exhausted by so much physical engagement, and Kaidan rushed to John’s side to give him some water. John quickly covered up himself, although he was wearing the famous cock sock, but still, he thought he was exposing too much for Kaidan.

“Now suddenly you’re feeling shame.” He joked and helped him into his dressing gown.

“Haven’t you seen enough of me, today?” John joked back.

After he checked the footage with the director, thanked the leading lady for her cooperation, he went back to the trailer. He couldn’t feel his arms any more, resting almost the whole day on his arms, he was shaking. Kaidan didn’t miss it and took his arms to rub them.

“Tomorrow would be worse.” Kaidan said and John frowned. “Can I do anything to help you?”

“Can you find a double for me by tomorrow?” He grinned and Kaidan let his arm go.

As Kaidan promised, the second day was nothing but exhausting. Again almost resting on his arms for the day, he was so glad, when someone came at the end of the day with his dressing gown. But at least, there was no need to film him down the waist; he didn’t have to be naked the whole time. And the third day came and went. But knowing he wasn’t able to rest on his arm another day, the shoot the footage where the lady was in charge. It felt nice to lie down and let her do the work.

And on the fourth day, their planned last day, everything that could go wrong went wrong. First the set wasn’t ready because someone left the lights on overnight and by the time they wanted to start, they had to organize another one. One of the make‐up ladies had caught the flu and before she could give it to others, the production had sent her home, leaving only one to tend all their make‐up.

John was glad; Kaidan was not on set anymore since the first day. He couldn’t have beard the thought of thinking of him the whole day and then seeing him standing there, out of his reach. He imagined the touches being Kaidan’s hand and the lips being his. And whenever he got excited with his thoughts he had to apologize many times. But his partner wasn’t offended. She actually told him how he touched her sometimes actually make her react, too.

When he arrived home that day, he was so relieved he had finally mastered the scene. The one thing he was afraid of the entire shoot was over and he had survived it, more or less with his dignity intact. A hot shower and a furious hand job later, he stepped out of the steamy bathroom, feeling much much better. Kaidan was sitting on the couch, watching something on his laptop with his hands in front of his lips and eyes wide open.

When he saw John approaching, he quickly tried to click it away but he wasn’t fast enough, and John could see two people having sex on his screen. “Are you watching porn in the living room?”

“No! it's not a porn.” Kaidan answered. “It’s your sex scene...”

“How did you get it?” John asked.

“Clark from the editing room is kind of a friend.” Kaidan said.

“Is it good?”

“It’s pretty good.” Kaidan sighed.

John sat down next to him and hinted him to start the video again. Kaidan muttered something about he wasn’t allowed to show him that, but then started it from the beginning.

Whatever Kaidan described as good, he felt only embarrassment. Seeing himself on screen, tangling with a woman in the sheet and hate fucking across the room wasn’t something he thought being sexy. And her moans didn’t make him feel anything and his own moans only made it worse. In the middle, he stopped the video and got up. “God, it’s embarrassing and awkward.”

“Well I think you looked pretty good doing it.” Kaidan continued watch it, but at John’s frown, he muted it and turned the screen so John couldn’t see. Five minutes later, when he finished the video, got up, took a big glass cold water down himself and looked up to John. “Have you ever been with a woman before?”

John shook his head.

“You’re pretty convincing.” Kaidan exhaled loudly. “Believe me; I think you’re cutting a fine figure.”

John smiled a little and sat down. “It’s so awkward on set. Fake moaning and all that stuff. I’ve never had a woman’s breast in my hand before, the last time was somewhere in junior high and I was dared to touch Sarah Wilkinson’s boobs. But she was fourteen and barely had some. God they’re so hard.”

“Na, those are fake.” Kaidan grinned. “If you never had a woman, you’re definitely missing out something.” He walked back to the couch and put his feet on the table. John sat down at his side, only a towel around his waist.

“Na, I’m good. I’m happy with what I have…” John said laughing. “Well this means currently just my right hand.”

Kaidan glance over to him with a piercing glance and John shivered. “I heard you’ve been excited couple times during shooting.” Kaidan asked after putting the computer away.

“Who told you that?” John growled.

“Her assistant, of course.” Kaidan took the beer he had left on the table earlier and took a gulp. “Want to tell me what happened?”

“Nothing…”

“Liar. You tell me she didn’t make you a little horny?” Kaidan grinned. “I know people who would kill to be under her.”

“I wasn’t thinking about her.” He muttered, staring at the beer in Kaidan’s hand. Kaidan chuckled at his desirable glance and passed it on to him. “Okay. I’ve heard few people talking around the set, they’re pretty sad to see you walking around in clothes again. They can’t wait to see the footage on screen.”

“And you?” John straightened up a little, leaning closer to Kaidan. “Would you be sad, too?”

“Na, I’m good.” Looking down on the half‐naked John and then up into his eyes again. “I don’t think I’ll miss it. You’re almost always naked here.”

“Am I disturbing you?” John whispered.

Kaidan looked down on his again and then chuckled. “No, not really.”

“So you don’t mind me being naked around here?”

“It’s fine.” Kaidan tried not to glance over his prominent muscles. “I’ve seen many men naked… you’re not the first.”

“Liar, where?”

“Figure drawing classes…” Kaidan took the beer out of his hand and almost emptied it. “At the academy.”

“So you use to paint naked men?” John smiled. “Are you maybe in need of another model, maestro?”

“That depends if you can stay still.” Kaidan chuckles and opened up his arms to hint John to go ahead.

John got up, put an armchair in front of the couch and sat down there, striking a pose.

“You want me to paint you now?” Kaidan asked.

“You mind?” John smirked and Kaidan shook his head. Then he got up, pushed around some lights in the room.

“Okay, sit here,” Kaidan pointed at a stool he had place on top of the couch table. Then he draped it with the thin blanket on the couch. John did what Kaidan said and sat down on the stool. Then Kaidan moved around the table lamp and other light source he had in room and finally sat down himself in the armchair, which he now moved almost into the kitchen. “Try not to move for a while.”

He grabbed the pencils he had laid out, and started scratching the paper on his sketchbook.

“Can I talk?” John grinned.

“Not too much, please.” Kaidan stared at John’s body, tracing the outline and John felt the exploring eye all over his body. “Should I remove the towel?”

“If you like to.” Kaidan said.

“But I can’t move.” John said seriously. “You know it better, how you want to drape it?”

Kaidan studied John’s figure again, his eyes fixed on the lines, folds and shades of his body, then he got up, opening his towel and let the on side fall down, while he draped the other side carefully around his crotch, covering his penis and casually falling on his tight. Then he returned to his chair and started to scratch again.

John looked at Kaidan moving his hands over the paper, eyes fixed on his body, barely looking up to his eyes. He saw Kaidan’s lips slowly opened when he concentrated into the painting and John wished to see it. He wondered what Kaidan was thinking when he was tracing the lines of his body.

“Don’t move.” Kaidan almost whispered, not taking his eyes away from the spot on his body, he was now painting.

“I’m not moving.” John protested.

“You are,” Kaidan chuckled. “The towel is falling.”

“That’s not because I’m moving.” He said and Kaidan looked up.

He let down the paper and got up to re‐drape the towel when he noticed what made it fall. John sat on the stool with his penis swollen and lying on his tight, only held down by the towel. Kaidan touched the towel, wanted to drape it again over John’s swollen manhood, pretending not have seen it, but John quickly grabbed his hand. He stood up from the stool, stepping down from the table and when he was on the eye level with Kaidan, he stared into his big brown eyes, looking back at him surprised. Then he gently placed his lips on Kaidan’s inner wrist, kissing the skin and smelling his scent, making him harder.

“John…” Kaidan moaned, letting the pencil in his hand fall.

“I know you like it.” John said and kept kissing Kaidan’s inner arm. He moved up and up his arm, pulling Kaidan closer to him. “Tell me to stop, if you want.” John whispered and now kissed Kaidan’s neck. The towel had long fallen down and Kaidan moaned silently when John’s gentle kisses on his neck made his inside tremble.

“Tell me to stop, if you don’t want it.” John whispered again, but it sounded more like a reassurance for himself, rather than an honest request. But Kaidan didn’t say anything. It would be a lie if he said, he didn’t like it. But nor or less, it was so confusing. In his mind, he wasn’t picturing a girl like Jane; he was really fantasizing about John. He imagined, how John would now put his finger in his mouth, and took his hand to place on his penis.

“Don’t...” Kaidan whimpered. It took John a moment to realize what Kaidan had said, he wanted to step back, but Kaidan’s tight grip around his waist told a different story. His assistant pulled him closer, moaning silently between his kisses. “Don’t stop…” Kaidan then quickly added.

John chuckled a little and opened his eyes to look at Kaidan, who also glanced back at him, eyes half shut, and still breathing out loudly because of the excitement. John’s mind went almost blank; all he could think of was what might now follow. And it looked like; they were at a turning point.

Quickly two scenarios ran through his head. One: They continued the kissing, ending up in wild sex right here, that continues over the entire night and eventually they might end up on the bed. And tomorrow they would arrive one set as a happy couple; snogging and holding hands, and living on every happily after.

Second: Kaidan realizes how manipulative John was, re-appearing with his nakedness, his invitation to pose and striking lascivious poses and making ambiguous comments. And Kaidan realizes the strict line he had crosses, overstepping their working relationship and abusing his power as his boss. Then Kaidan would throw him out of his apartment, slam shut the door in his face, quit the job and never wanted to see him again.

He gave it a quick thought and when Kaidan slowly took off his sweater, looking up to him smiling softly, closing his eyes for John to kiss him again, the first scenario was more likely to happen.

Reality went on a little more different than he had imagined. They didn’t end up having sex right on the spot, but they did bump into the bedroom minutes after, hastily removing the remaining cloth on Kaidan’s body. The actually act went on faster than he hoped for. Within minutes, John kneeled on the floor again; his head sank between Kaidan’s tights. Kaidan leaned back his head to gasp for air, when John determinately worked on him down there, and when he approached the climax, he sank his fingers deep in John’s flesh and came.

 


	7. Merry Christmas

**Chapter seven**

**Merry Christmas**

The day after the little incident as they called it was extremely awkward. Kaidan didn’t manage to take care of John; he was too inexperienced in handling male sexual partner. In the end, John helped himself while kissing Kaidan and giving him a second round of his miraculous mouth work. When they cooled off, realizing the awkwardness of the situation, John got up silently and went back to his own room to sleep.

John was happier than ever on set the next few weeks. The block one shooting was approaching the end, and after the Christmas holidays, the crew would move to Hollywood to shoot the outdoor scenes, where the weather was nicer and less cold like here up in the Vancouver. John had found a newly discovered happiness in the small apartment with Kaidan. Their friendship rekindled fast once Kaidan didn't mind John's romantic advances anymore. Bottom-line, he shared so much with each other, spiced up with a little flirts here and there, it only became more exciting.

John had become so happy; he started to teach Kaidan how to play guitar in the meantime and Kaidan found in John a quite useful nude model. His well-trained and gorgeous body was something hard to come by in the lines of nude models. Beside the old men and curvy woman, he really appreciated such an Adonis. When things went on so well between them, he finally had shown John his graphic novel. John was amazed by the amount of content Kaidan had produced; not all illustrations were finished, but just the storyboard and notes had hooked him on after just few chapters. Finishing all the comics in less than one day, their evening discussions about the story and the artwork went deep into the night.

Although they were spending more time together, the incident didn’t happen again. They only managed to exchange few kisses. Once when Kaidan went to wake him up, he had pulled him down to the bed and kissed him until their lips hurt. Another time, Kaidan had massaged his legs after a day of particularly long day, and then sat down on him, snogging him before his phone rang. They had passed each other on side with longing glances and a knowing smile, awkwardly bumped into each other in the bathroom, but somehow there was always something in the way; sometimes a production assistant leading John on the stage, or one of the constant calls on Kaidan’s phone.

Three week before Christmas, the last day of block one shooting was over. Kaidan hurried down the set with two suits in plastic bags and running towards John’s trailer. He was a little late, judging by the time, he would tell, John had already showered, waiting for him to arrive, before they could change into the fancy suits to go to the wrap party directly. They agreed, going home after shooting, taking a shower there and eating some pizza at home would be much nicer, but Kaidan’s apartment was too far outside of town and Joker was off to the airport to pick up Miranda.

Kaidan got into the trailer and found John sitting on the couch in a dressing gown. His short hair was already dry. He hung the suits into the wardrobe and took off his big coat. John beamed at him when he came in, and got up.

“Is it cold outside?” John took his jackets and placed his hands on his face. “It must be freezing outside.”

Kaidan also smiled with red faces and closed his eyes to feel John’s warm hands on his face. “You change first; I’m going to make myself a tea…”

John nodded and took off his dressing gown where he was naked underneath. Kaidan rolled his eyes but chuckled. He tried not to look at his ass, but when he did, John shook it a little for him, knowing he was staring.

“You like what you see there?” John asked, pulling out the underwear from the wardrobe.

Kaidan poured hot water into his cup and grinned teasingly. “Nothing I haven’t seen before.”

John turned around to him, with a pair of black panties in his hand and pushed himself in front of Kaidan. Kaidan smiled wider, wanting to put his fingers upon John’s chest but resist.

“Do it, touch me.” John whispered flirty and smiling at him. “I like it when you touch me this way…”

Kaidan blushed. “I don’t think I’ve ever touched you this way?”

“In my mind you did… and I liked it.” John came closer to him, placing his lips close enough to his neck, all he needed to do was to lean in and they would be kissing again. “Go ahead…”

 

Kaidan then pushed John gently a little away from him. “Not now… get dressed. You don’t want to come late to the party.”

“Coward…” John muttered still grinning and turned back to the nice shiny silk suit.

Kaidan suddenly felt, he needed no tea to warm him up. He was hot inside, tracing John’s body with his eyes again, he really didn’t know what to do. He clearly desired him, not only in the sexual way. He liked him so much it felt somehow strange in a way. Telling himself three months ago, by Christmas, he would be friends with Hollywood’s most wanted rising star, he could have laughed at himself, not to speak of reading comic with him or painting him every night; naked.

“It’s not polite to stare.” John muttered.

“I stare at you every night. I don’t see you complain there.” Kaidan protested chuckling.

John had buttoned up his shirt, closed his pants and turned around to him, still standing quite close to him in the trailer. “That’s your artistic freedom.” John took away the tea cup in Kaidan’s hand, placed it away from them and pushed his hand against the wall next to Kaidan, closing him in the corner. “I don’t see you holding a pencil now.”

“Okay, I stop to stare, if that’s what you want.” He nodded, starting to feel uncomfortable. He wasn’t feeling uncomfortable because of John being so close, it was because he somehow felt the seriousness in the air, like he could sense, and it wasn’t just some fun flirts or teasing words. John was serious.

“I don’t want you to stop,” John whispered, coming closer and closer. “I want to feel the desire in your stare; I want to feel you want me.” He stopped only a layer of air away from Kaidan’s lips.

Kaidan starred up to him, his heart racing fast, his fingers longingly to touch him. “I want you…” he whispered and leaned back to the wall and breathed out to calm himself. “But it’s not right… this shouldn’t happen between us…”

“I think we are beyond that point.” John placed his hand on the now warmer face of his. Kaidan liked it a lot, he liked John’s smell, always with the scent of coconut and summer, and he could feel John’s hard manhood pressing to his tight. Kaidan whispered a sigh and determinedly, he kissed John.

He pulled John closer to him; let him press him to the wall, rubbing his penis on his, between them the fine silk and his old rough jeans. He sucked on John’s lips, touching and scratching on John’s back. Pulling and pushing, they rolled along the wall.

“Mhmmm this recalls memory.” John hushed between kisses, smiling at him happily and giggling. "What is with us and changing into suits?"

“Oh yeah…” Kaidan answered and stroke through his hair with his fingers, pressing his swollen penis against John’s. “I’ll say, we have evolved a lot…”

“I’ll call it an improvement.” John said and opened his pants.

Kaidan heard the clicking sound of his belt, the welcoming sound of announcing upcoming excitement, he also uptight his own belt. Pushing his jeans down, he turned John around. He wanted to have him; he wanted to have everything he had been tracing with his eyes for a fortnight. John moaned satisfied when Kaidan kissed his back, while pressing his cock against John’s perfect ass. He seemed to enjoy it so much, he trembled. Kaidan could literally feel the excitement in him.

“Yes!” John gasped, holding himself on anything within his reach when Kaidan wetted him and pushed himself inside.

God! John was so fucking tight. Kaidan had to control himself not to come too soon. They were finally there; he didn’t want to let this fun end too soon. Forget about the party, forget about the booze and girls there, this was what he wanted. He gently pushed his stone hard cock inside John and watching it disappear inside his lover’s body filled him with lust. John grunted, pressing his hand on his lips not to scream, but Kaidan could see, it was painful. He wanted to pull it out, or at least stop, but John's hand quickly grabbed his lab and pulled him towards him.

“Don’t stop.” He breathed out loud. “I can take it.”

“You’re sure?” Kaidan asked and stroking John to relax his body.

“Yes! I want it.” John grunted.

Kaidan obeyed John’s wish and pushed himself deeper. John twitched and started to move his ass forward and then backward slowly, taking charge of letting Kaidan fuck him. Kaidan needed no second request, and he started to pulling out slowly and pushing in again. He spit into his own hand, wetted him more and then they were down to business. God, not in his whole life, he could have imagined something so good. He had never had this kind of sensation before with a girl. Every muscle in his body twitched, even his toes were uptight when he felt the lust went through his entire body.

John loved it. He was close to fainting, breathing hot air from his mouth; he had pressed his face towards the wall, bending down his body for Kaidan to come deeper. His head was red, his eyes closed with tears in its corner, but he looked so in the act, Kaidan could see how much joy he was giving him. He bent over, thrust once hard, making John grunt loudly and bit into John’s earlap.

“How much do you want it?” Kaidan asked demanding and thrust again.

John only replied with a whimper.

“How much do you want me to fuck you?” Kaidan pushed again.

“Yes!” John managed to gasp after a louder moan with Kaidan’s strength rushing into him.

“You want me to fuck you hard?” Kaidan grabbed John’s chin, turning his face towards him for a kiss.

John’s answer was muffled with Kaidan’s kiss, but his body twitched and trembled when Kaidan pushed himself deeper.

They seemed to have found their rhythm. Kaidan thrust hard and deep but slower, and John’s gasping and loud moaning filled the small trailer. When Kaidan was coming closer, he pulled himself out fast not to come, and John laughed at him lustful and climbed back ahead onto the make‐up table, spreading his legs. Kaidan grinned, and came towards him, wildly snogging and laying hand on John’s cock.

With his other hand, he had to muffle John’s scream, once he had pushed himself inside again. God, John was a screamer. He loved to rush into his beloved, and see his desire, lust and affection in his deep blue eyes. Kaidan was so busy getting down on John; for the first time in months he had forgotten about the phone.

He was thrusting hard into John, once again snogging him, when a text message arrived. He didn’t pay attention, he didn’t even notice it, just as he didn't notice John's phone ringing next to them until his lover grabbed the device and tossed it across the room. It stopped making sounds when it shattered on the wall into pieces.

“Kiss me again.” John demanded.

“Anything.” Kaidan answered and kissed him again, missing out another text message.

The display of his phone blinked. The message was from Miranda. She asked them to stay on set. Plans had been changed. She wrote. Then another message arrived. Again it was Miranda. She wrote this time: On my way to you with the limo, be ready.

Yes, Kaidan and John were ready; they were ready to have more, to explore more, and to let it never end. They had both been sweating, not it made them less attractive. When the sweat in Kaidan’s hair fell on John’s face while he now softly fucking John, it just made him hotter. He had to go for it. He moved faster and deeper. John started screaming again, red faced and gasping for air, eyes wet from tears. He nodded to Kaidan, for him to come and put his fingers around his cock.

“Let me.” Kaidan said and took it over from John.

Fucking him and wanking him at the same time was harder than he thought, but it didn’t took long for all the muscles in his body tightened up again, he took away his hand to support himself on to the table, pressing deep into John, his legs on his shoulder and his knees almost pressed to his chest. John screamed, unable to hold himself anymore, hissed and hold on to Kaidan’s back, sinking his fingers deep into his sweaty back. Then Kaidan came hard. He emptied himself in John with a long sigh and John still gasp, his own penis twitching.

Kaidan let his legs fell to the side of the table, leaned in for a wet and long kiss while he slowly, gently and lovely took John into his hands. Stroking it, massaging it, up and down, tight between his fingers.

“Come for me.” Kaidan whispered.

“Just for you…” John gasped and with a sharp inhale, John held his breath. His body trembled, his muscle tightened, and then with a hiss, he spread his seed in Kaidan’s hand.

Kaidan smiled wide, satisfied, but still longing, he carefully pulled up John for the most tender kiss he could give. His lover put his arms lovingly around Kaidan’s shoulder and took in the deep kiss, when John suddenly backed off, jumping down from the table and looked at the direction of the door, with his eyes wide open from shock.

Kaidan turned around, seeing Miranda standing open mouthed, obviously stunned in the door, rooted on the spot.

“God! Nobody taught you to knock?” Kaidan said loudly, a trace of anger in his voice. Quickly, he pulled up his pants to cover himself and grabbed something, the dressing gown, to cover up John. “Close the door!” He said commanding when Miranda still didn’t move.

John took gratefully the dressing gown from Kaidan, put it around and closed it tight. With two fast step, he was at the door, wanted to close it, when he saw few other people outside tried to peek in, but his chauffeur, Joker was standing on the steps leading up to the door, and asked them politely to back off. John pulled Miranda inside; slam shut the door behind her and placed her on the couch. Then he put the cup of tea of Kaidan into her hand. “Drink, calm yourself down!”

She was still wide eyed, her jaw somewhere on the floor and in a state of shock. Kaidan felt a sudden shame. This was the last he had expected to happen. He felt dirty, cheap and the worst, he felt irresponsible. She took a gulp from the now cool tea and slowly glanced up to Kaidan.

“Liara said, you were discreet… trustworthy…” Miranda whispered, still not believing what she had just seen. “I thought you were reliable…” She took another gulp. “I thought I don’t have to worry about you…”

Kaidan lacked the words to respond. Her accusations were right. He wasn’t reliable, he wasn’t trustworthy. “I…”

Her shocked glance turned into a frown and then an evil stare. “You’re fired!” She grunted.

“No!” John said loud, then quickly turning around to Kaidan. “You're not. She can’t fire you.” He wanted to stroke Kaidan’s face, but he automatically avoided his touch and stepped back.

Kaidan didn’t know to answer. He just felt the twist in his stomach, the sudden fear in his chest and then the flush inside him. He looked around to John, he was talking indignantly to Miranda, but she was answering equally angry back at him. The sound in the room had turned numb. He should have seen this coming and actually it didn’t surprise him. All the time when he flirted with John, blurring the lines between work and pleasure, he had this alarm in the back of his head. But he had decided to ignore it. He preferred to let a pair of blue eyes blend him than focusing on his work. Yes he deserved this for god’s sake, he just fucked his boss.

“Yeah… you’re right.” Kaidan whispered.

“No, no, no, no.” John turned towards him, making waves with his hands. “You don’t have to go. Miranda can’t make you go.” John said begging and repeated several times when Kaidan didn’t react.

“Watch me!” Miranda yelled and stood up. She fixed on Kaidan, snipped and pointed towards the door. “You, fired! Out, now! Pack your stuff and leave, I don’t want to see you anymore, you can be happy not ending up on the blacklist!”

“Miranda, you can’t fire him. I hired him, he’s my personal assistant.” John stepped in between, holding Kaidan’s hand, but Kaidan let it go at once.

Miranda, finally paying attention to John turned her anger towards him. “You, back off! He’s hire by the agency, that makes me his boss, and I assigned him to you and I’ll fire him when I want. Now to you! Don’t you have a little decency left in you? Why can’t you do this with a hooker like everybody else? And your assistant? Is there no more hot twinks out there you have to jump your assistant? And on set?” She walked up and down in the tiny trailer as far as she could.

“People could hear you scream miles away? You can be glad, it’s after the wrap! Gosh! If you want a scandal, why can’t you do it when cameras are around?”

“Stop, Miranda!” John muttered. “I’m not doing this for any press… me and Kaidan, we’re…”

“You’re what?” She angrily slammed her purse on the table. “You think the two of you have a future? You think this is something real? Oh for fuck’s sake, how naïve are you?” She turned around to Kaidan. “You, what are you still doing here? I thought I fire you minutes ago!” She gave him a threatened look and Kaidan gathered his clothes from the floor and went out the door.

John wanted to get up after him but Miranda gave him this commanding look and he sat back down. “C’mon John! I don’t want to be the person telling you that, but really? Assistants? Don’t you know it better? They’re just like aspiring actresses! They’ll blow your for a phone number! And you thought it’s something real between you?”

“You don’t know him!” John protested. “He’s different. He’s not like Ashley! He really likes me… and I… I really…”

“Oh stop it!” She called it off. “Ashley at least had the gut to admit, she only fucked him for the role. C’mon, what had he been telling you to do for him?”

“Nothing!” John replied confidently, finally something to show Miranda she was mistaken about Kaidan.

“Nothing, really? So you two are not going to parties together, where you introduce him to A‐list directors and scriptwriters?”

“No! He’s not interested in it.”

“And he didn’t ask you if you knew someone who might be interested in his comics?” Miranda sneered. “It was so obvious. He had been carrying a copy of it around for month now. Literally every publicist had a copy of it on their table now!”

John looked up a little hurt… He sank into the couch more and sighed sadly. “Really?” he then whispered after a while. “And I only got to see it last week…”

“Right!” Miranda said approvingly. “And you thought he was really into you?”

John didn’t say anything but looked down to the floor, where his clothes were scattered around. He felt a cold stitch of betrayal in his heart. He couldn’t imagine Kaidan being the manipulative painter, who only used him to get his novel published. He refused to believe Kaidan was fooling him all the time. He thought of the late night talks, movie nights, discussions. He thought of the kiss under the mistletoe, his touch upon his skin when he had kissed him. John recalled Kaidan’s eyes tracing the lines of his body, when he concentrated painted him. All those intimate moments, those things he could only imagined sharing with someone he really trusted, a good friend, the best friend, maybe more than that.

John felt the tears coming to his eyes. He buried his face in his hands, so Miranda couldn’t see him cry. Then he quickly wiped his face clean after the first tear rolled down his cheek. “I thought, he was my soul mate…”

“Don’t be so melodramatic, John!” Miranda shook her head. “Couple month he’ll be forgotten. And seeing his comic, I guess you won’t be reminded of him any sooner, it was so confusing…”

“I thought it’s great…” John muttered and frowned.

“Okay, now!” She clapped her hands to gain his attention. “Go get dressed; we have a party to go to!”

John nodded and got up from the couch, now very unenthusiastic about the party.

“And John?” She added before he closed the door to the bathroom. “Wash yourself, you smell like spunk!”

*** ***

John didn’t got to see Kaidan again. Miranda had chartered a private jet for him after the party, sending him right back to New York. John wanted to say goodbye to Kaidan, asking all the question he had in his head, but he had broken his phone and Miranda refused to give him Kaidan's number again.

He had managed to write him few e‐mails once he was back in New York, but there was no reply from Kaidan. He had asked him if he really used him, but then apologized for his question in the next mail for accusing him of that. He spit his guts out about the time they had together, asked him to come back to him, to call him back or just at least tell him he was alive. Any way of communication was cut between them and every day that passed without receiving anything from Kaidan, he felt sadder and sadder. When he realized after few days, he didn’t even have a picture of him, nothing was left but to stalk him on Facebook.

Kaidan had one of the most minimalistic profiles he had ever seen. A big banner of one of his illustrations, and his profile picture showed him standing next to a gigantic munchkin, holding his axe and grinning wide. Sadly the rest of it was set to private. John had now downloaded the picture, printed it, cut out the munchkin and replaced the picture of princess Leia in his wallet. Kaidan had no more pictures of himself anymore on his profile and his friend request had been declined, causing John’s heart to twist again.

“Miranda, don’t you have Kaidan’s personal number?” John asked, while riding in the lime with her to a late night talk show.

“Not again.” Miranda rolled her eyes. “I told you, I’ve deleted his file! I was really so close,” Miranda pressed her thumb and forefinger close to each other, only millimeters apart. “so close to put him on the blacklist. It’s such a shame, he was actually quite good.”

“He was great!” John said. For a fortnight, he had been asking her to hire him again and telling him how great he was, carefully leaving out all the drawing and flirting part.

“I got it! I got! He turned your head.” Miranda stopped to yell some instructions to the limo driver. Joker had already returned home for the holidays, so the new driver didn’t bite back with a funny comment, but rolled his eyes and followed her instructions. “Just stop thinking about him for a moment. It’s your big day! The late night show is so important. If you’re sitting in his chair, you had made it in the showbiz!”

“I had sat in his chair two years ago.” John said dryly.

“I know, I know. But this time, you’re there to talk about your movie! God, the award season next would be so exciting! You’re already on the favorites list, and I’ve heard rumors… of course all very unofficial… but I guess it’s very likely you end up with the golden statue.”

“Let’s not count our chickens, before they’re hatched.” John sighed, taking out the instructions on the show, Miranda had given him.

“We’re here. And John, please don’t forget to mention your New Year’s Eve concert at the Time Square.”

“I won’t! It printed in capital letters on my note!” He held up the note. “And Miranda! I’ve a request, too!” He leaned back into the limo. “I’ll play along until the concert, and next year, you give me Kaidan’s number!”

“Sure, if I can find it.” She answered. Fake smiling at him and winking, she let John out of the limo.

*** ***

Kaidan sat at tightly pressed between Jane and her roommate at Oxford on the family couch and listened only half interested in Garrus’ stories at Scotland Yard, while turning his phone around in his hand for the tenth time. He didn’t picture Christmas this way. Jane had actually brought her new boyfriend back home to meet her parents. Kaidan could have jumped at him, punched him in the face and yelled bad stuff into his face, but Garrus turned out to be one of a fucking cool guy, and he unwillingly had to admit, he and Jane made a great couple. Partners in crime and life, she seemed have found her soul mate.

 

At the family dinner, the mood was always a little awkward. Both Jane's and his own parents didn't really know how to react to Garrus, but after Jane's joke about the bulletproof prenup, the parents seemed had found a less awkward topic to talk about instead of questioning holes into Jane and Kaidan about their relationship.

At the table, Jane had placed Kaidan next to a girl she also brought him. Her roommate was a nice distraction, although he knew, Jane brought her along to set her up with Kaidan. She was a computer science majored girl named Tali, and she preferred to call herself a hacktivist. She was interested in comics, films and other nerdy stuff like him, but no matter how nice it was to talk to her, he couldn’t take off his mind of John.

He had seemed have risen to a new level of fame. He couldn’t go anywhere close the internet, without being fluttered with gossip, rumors or actual information of him. His little action with John on set had turned out into a big rumor and many gossip channels had picked it up. Miranda had once again exceeded herself by banning all kinds of picture of him and Kaidan where they could be interpreted as a couple. It was only rumored; John Shepard had an affair with a production assistant on set, like he was repeating his old pattern by going after innocent assistants. They showed a picture of Ashley and made it look like; the person John was with was a woman. Kaidan didn’t really know if he should feel good or bad about it.

He had received few heart breaking mails from John; actually many mails, every day. There he begged him to call him back, asking him to remember what they’ve done together, to remember the kiss under the mistletoe. Kaidan was actually close to answering when he once again reminded himself; his relationship with John had no future.

Kaidan's phone blinked and he called up Facebook to see the notification. John Shepard had sent you a friend request. It was the felt hundredth time John had sent him a request. Kaidan hovered his finger over the accept button, and then shook his head and turned his phone around again.

“Gosh, just accept it!” Jane sighed, dropping herself on the seat on the sofa next to him. “What’s wrong with being friends with your former boss? Other people will kill for this…”

“I know other people would kill for it. But I just don't know…” Kaidan whispered. “I kind of messed up.”

“So?” She asked as it was nothing. “He sent you the request, means he’s not mad at you.”

“I don’t know… it just doesn’t feel right. He was kind of… exhausting.” Kaidan muttered frowning; telling himself it wasn't a real lie.

“Well, I accepted his friend request.” She said casually and turned to the side to talk to Tali.

Kaidan wondered what was on John’s profile once he accepted it. How did the personal Facebook profile of a Hollywood celebrity look like? He quickly abandoned the thought when the evening got late. They finished the after dinner drink with their parents and said goodbye to go their own way. Kaidan didn’t feel like going out, but since he hasn’t seen Jane since their bad departure in London, he then decided to go with them.

Back at Jane’s apartment in downtown Montreal, Kaidan felt the urge to tell her about John. He didn’t like the idea to lose her as a friend, just because they weren’t in a relationship anymore. Anyway, this Christmas was already awkward enough; he was sitting at the table with his parents, Jane’s parents, his still‐wife Jane and her new boyfriend; and a girl he didn’t know. But once they sat down at home, feeling things didn’t really change between him and Jane, he felt better about telling her about what really happened between him and John.

*** ***

Miles away, John sat alone in his New York apartment, overlooking the Central Park at night with its many lights. He was crouched up on the couch, the laptop in front of him and Kaidan’s sketchbook in his arms. He couldn’t stop thinking of him. Two days ago, the package arrived at his apartment. The assistants at the agency in Vancouver had packed up all his personal belongings and send it to him. He saw some of his clothes, his luggage and surprisingly, Kaidan’s sketchbook was among the things. First he had interpreted it as a gift of Kaidan, but then thinking more and more about it, he was sure, whoever packed his stuff, didn’t know it belonged to Kaidan, and they must have thought it was his, because Kaidan might have left it in the trailer the last time they met…

John turned the pages again, seeing all the sketches he had made of him in the most beautiful few months of his life; he just wanted to be miserable, he wanted to be sad now. He didn’t want to believe, Kaidan had manipulated him; he refused to believe Kaidan was just like another gold‐digger, who used him to get better connections.

Spiritless, John browsed through the internet, torturing himself of picture of cute couples online. Where young boys kissing on the street, holding hands, or just wearing t‐shirt that says: I’m his and another saying his mine. He thought of it could be him and Kaidan if it was all real. If felt like that; it definitely did. Before he met Kaidan, he had forgotten how falling in love had felt like, but with him, it felt like time didn’t matter at all. There was no mountain too high for them, no ocean too wide. When he was with Kaidan, it felt like they were kings of the world.

John told himself not to let the grief happen, he reminded himself of Miranda’s words. He was a star, a top billing actor and world famous singer, he could have anybody just with a finger snip, and there is no need to long for a penniless comic painter. But no! He wanted no one, he wanted Kaidan.

A small pop sound coming from his computer distracted him from the thoughts; someone had posted something on Facebook. He scrolled on his wall and a picture of four people appeared. He had recognized Jane, with his stalking, he had found her a week ago and she didn’t hesitate to accept him.

Jane was standing at an ice skating center, wrapped in scarves and smiling wide into the camera. But what John was really looking at was the young man next to him. Kaidan, wrapped in a matching scarf to Jane, grinning wide into the camera, cheeks red from the cold and… what was that? He had put his arm around a girl, with purpled dyed hair and piercing in her lips, smirking. A rage in him started to flame. He wanted to jump through the computer, push the girl aside and made his claim clear to her. Then he looked at the caption of the picture. It said: annual ice skating with family and friend. Oh how I love Montreal at Christmas.

Montreal. Kaidan was in Montreal! John thought excitedly, not really knowing why he was excited about it. And then. Montreal was only one and a half hours away. And with luck, he could be there in couple hours… and…

Not really thinking anything through, John got up, holding the sketch book in his hand. He put on a coat and slam shut the door behind him. As if made any difference, John almost accelerated into a run towards the elevator. He punched the button and quickly pressed it several, knowing exactly, it won’t make it faster, but it made him feel better.

He jumped into a taxi downstairs, almost running some carol singers over and when one of the girls wished him a merry Christmas anyway and may all his wishes come true, he grabbed her and kissed her on the lips, then burst out a “He’s in Montreal!”. The taxi driver gave him a look, that said: “another manic!” and accelerated. John stuck two hundred dollars through the bars and asked him to drive him to the airport as fast as possible and at the sight of the money; he didn’t think of John as a manic anymore or maybe even more.

John had purchased the ticket on the way, checked in already and just fifteen minutes before the boarding ended, he ran through the security check, happily telling everyone “He’s in Montreal!” and boarded the plane, just to find out, he’s sitting between two obese people, falling asleep as soon as the plane started, and snoring loudly. He didn’t realized how late it already was, when he arrived at the Montreal airport, finding most of the counters already empty, barely a soul there.

In the taxi right, he couldn’t stop checking Jane’s location, maybe they had moved. He showed the picture to the taxi driver, told him to bring him there and sighed relieved when the driver accepted credit card. He gave the driver a fifty dollar bill as tip anyway, just because he had to endure his happy summing, while he worked on Christmas Eve. With a merry Christmas on his lips, he jumped out of the taxi, standing in front of the open air Christmas Ice Skating Park. Many young people had gathered there, chuckling, giggling and laughing peoples holding hands, kissing or just cuddling to the Christmas carols coming out of big speakers.

He scanned the area for Kaidan; his heart pounding fast, his body hot and warm. Nothing could make him feel sad now, and there he was; holding hands with the purple haired girl, teaching her how to figure skate, while she clumsily tried to hold on to him. John ran towards him, jumping over the barrier of the ice arena, making many people scream. His boots were slippery on the ice, but he managed somehow to go forward. He slid his way clumsily through skating people. After he had crashed with a young girl with a loud shriek of hers, also Kaidan looked over to check what was happening.

He beamed at him, waved his hand around, suddenly losing his balance and fell hard on his butt. John cursed. It’s not how he imagined his appearance. Actually all this on the ice was too awkward. He should have run around the park, leaning on the railing casually and gained Kaidan’s attention with a cool pick up line, maybe. And why didn’t he buy some presents or at least a rose or something. Then he could now clench it tween his teeth, elegantly stopping in front of him and conquer his heart again in a storm. But all that didn’t matter; he was lying on the ice, his butt hurt and his fingers freezing on the ice.

“What an idiot!” The purple haired girl gave out laughter. John glared at her and awkwardly got back on his feet before Kaidan elegantly skated to him, and stopping gently in front of him, reaching out a hand. Oh… he looked so good on ice… John thought and melted away.

“What are you doing here?” Kaidan asked surprised, but not unhappy to see him.

“Merry Christmas!” John ignored the pain in his ass, holding up his sketch book to his face and smiled. “I thought you might want it back.”

Kaidan looked down to the book and then up again to him surprised. “You came all the way from LA to give me this?”

“I was in New York, not big deal!” John beamed when Kaidan took the book from him. Then he leaned forward to kiss him, but Kaidan leaped backwards to avoid him.

“Not here!” He looked around to see, if anyone saw them, but yeah, there were a lot of people looking at them, slowly but surely they recognized John. Some of the girls were muttering and whispering, pointing fingers at him. “Come down from the ice.” He said quickly when he saw a security woman yelling out from the booth and waving furiously with her arms.

“Aren’t you happy to see me?” John asked once he had jumped over the railing again, and Kaidan had walked off the ice.

Kaidan remained silence, his sketchbook in his hands and now he started to turn it.

“I thought…”

“How did you find me?” Kaidan whispered.

“Jane posted it…” John started to worry. Kaidan didn’t seem happy for him to be there and maybe it was the kiss, or something else? But Kaidan just looked down, remained silence and his eyes narrowed. “Say something.” John begged.

“You shouldn’t have come here.” Kaidan replied fast. “Why are you here?”

“What you mean why am I here?” John asked naïvely. “I came to wish you a merry Christmas and… I… I…” he couldn’t say it… He hesitated. Kaidan didn’t like the situation at all. He was shifting to one foot to another, nervously glancing over to the purple haired girl, now leaning on the railing, watching the others in the pit. “Is she your new girlfriend?”

“No…”

“You two seemed pretty close.” John clenched his teeth, sounding accusing.

“No, we’re not together… and what do you care?” Kaidan started.

“Of course I care!” John stepped closer and Kaidan backed off. “Kaidan, after all what happened in Vancouver, you think I don’t care?”

Kaidan didn’t answer. He clenched on his sketchbook and fixed on John sinister.

“Don’t you get it by now?” John started, almost begging “I… I.. I love you!” He burst out. “I can’t take off my mind of you! I have to think of you all the time, the few months we had. I don’t believe it was all fake! I felt it, and you felt it, too. We belong together.”

“Bullshit!” Kaidan called out. “All this we belong together,” he marked the words with his finger. “This is just some movie talking. In real life, things aren’t that easy. It’s just not that simple.”

“Maybe it’s not that simple… but it was real… wasn’t it?” John was close to tears, his voice shaking.

Kaidan remained silence for a while, eventually handing his sketch book back to John. “I wanted you to have it… I thought you maybe want those drawings…”

John didn’t reach out his hand to take it. It felt so final when he took it. Like Kaidan was saying farewell to him, and telling him to keep something as a token, a memory. Like there won’t be any more of it.

“Take it, John.” He reached it out more and slowly, unwillingly John took it and a tear left his eye. He wept easily. He wiped it away quickly and rubbed his eyes to clear out the others. “Let’s just stop here, not going ahead.” Kaidan said after a while. “We had a good time together, quit when we still can, rather sooner than later… I don’t want to fall for you… it’s dangerous…”

“But I’ve already fallen for you.” John begged. “We can find a way. If there is a will, there is a way, right!”

“Don’t make this harder than it need to be. You don’t know how hard it is, trying to quit you.” Kaidan’s eyes also become wet and John took him into his eyes, stroking his head.

“Do or do not, there is no try, stupid.” John whispered and Kaidan had to chuckle.

They embraced a while, and then Kaidan stopped it. When Kaidan twisted himself gently of out John’s arm, John knew it was over. Kaidan had stepped back with such finality, he knew, no words could convince him otherwise. He pressed Kaidan’s sketchbook to his heart, squeezing his eyes together to stop the tears from coming and then nodded to accept Kaidan’s decision.

“I understand…” John whispered with a broken voice. “Just think about it again… about us… I’m ready to wait for you, no matter how long you needs.” He then took out his wallet, taking out his one ring and gave it to Kaidan. “I want you to have it. Remember me good and if you still want to. You know where to find me.” He held up the sketch book. “You’ve sent me our beginning… I’m be glad to find out about the end with you.”

Kaidan turned around the ring in his hand, resisting the urge to handle it back to him. Then he also nodded; his eyes a little red. It had started snowing, a soft and perfect snowflake fell on Kaidan’s hair and then eyelashes, slowly melting and then rolled down his cheek like it was a tear. Kaidan slowly turned around, walked back on the ice pit, turning once again for John and then rejoined his people. John looked after him, feeling so unbelievable miserable. Kaidan turned around once more for him, and then his and his friends left the pit, changed quickly into their normal shoes and went away.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The brief idea of a romantic love story had been in my head for quite a while, but it wasn't until early this month, it had taken stronger shape in my mind. Well this is the result of my hopeless try to write Shepard and Kaidan fluff.
> 
> Oh... I just can't get enough of the two of them.


End file.
